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  • Running

    I sit here spinning all, as the world stands still. I can see myself falling from stories high again and again yet, this time, I go from God’s hand on into petal bloom and my feet remain rested as I walk, start again, beneath fulling moons.
    With the moon arisen and splendor its brightness shone upon me causing me to inhale all on in and all that was Beauty overflowed from me. The overflow is such that is not so much softness but the rough patches all along my way, the loss of life, the dust of what once was rotten decay, the smiles that only grew hesistant and appeared to fade.

    Love spun and shone, the tender harmonies that echo across all of my bones, the wetness that protrudes from the hollows of me to melt as if the sun had heated all of me beyond the days of winter that seemed to had washed over me all too long. Yet, it was in the winter that I first came across the miracle called God as He took my hands and laid me down, snow angel sound…I began to sway my body and unfold as Light stripped me layer by layer of anything less than tranquil and serenity.

    “Wash away, wash away”, the words sung towards me in a way that Spirits surrounded me, watching me POUR all that this world had attempted to make me, all the bitter and unsettling days were to be no more.

    I laid and I laid, and all the more Light penetrated my every wound, bringing it supple, bringing it to fully restored and full. My wounds arose only once and then silently with a sigh, they softened like the ebbs of my Heart, never again showing a trace that was in any way to define or tell stories of a broken life, a once lost soul.

    Melodies of all sorts became very pronouned the more I held my eyes open despite the lulling that was pronounced. To sleep I yearned so deeply for, yet, this time, I told my dreams and what may to wait as I was in this moment taking the fullness of what life is meant to be…FULL BLOOM.

    Another day another moment in time of Being, another opportunity to Breathe all the more Deeper and PONDER all that this means for not only me but you.
    So, from here, I WILL Pray and I begin: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

    Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.

    Nothing in my hands I bring, only to the cross of Christ I cling. Amen.

    Now, after my downtime the past few days, my moments of focused prayer, my moments of truly wrestling with God, I have come to this day all the more uplifted and Blessed with Open Eyes that only the LORD could provide.

    I AM not without anything in my life, there is no purpose for me to yearn for or even question the past I have lived nor the so-called absences that remain in my life. All as such, have served my path and continue to as I walk all the more towards God.

    I now understand that while I have been deemed a runner of sorts most all of my past life, I may be but in a way that no other claimed of me prior and that is that I may had been running but I was never running away from anything, I was running towards God. When I was called to move, I did and sometimes I may have hesitated for what seemed like too long in doing-so, but again, God makes all our paths right the moment that we turn towards and call upon Him.

    We are not to walk paths that are gleaming and overflowing with LIGHT, we are to walk paths that often linger in the depths of all darkness as we are to find our way out. It is in the dark that we learn to either Trust in our own footing or much rather, call upon the LORD for His help, for His guidance in taking our hands and leading our way.

    All in all, we are to keep walking and hold close to that which is Our Faith as that is how we find our way and that is how we come to find Him.

    It has broken me to pieces for far too long thinking I had done so many things in my life, that I had not held the course of Love nor even gave my all to bring up my kids in the ways that He called me to. I have worried that my changes were far too much for all those who were close to me in any way and that those who came to know me after just could not handle the depths that poured that was me.

    No shame now, None.

    I AM simply me and I AM far from perfect as we all are. I AM a sinner as we all are and the past few weeks I have been beating myself up in my attempts to gain that level of perfection, that level of sinless existence but again I AM reminded that such is truly an impossible task for us in this shell of human form, for that is just what we are, the gentiles. We are all walking the paths before us to break our hearts and shed the impurity that is a part of us as much as we can.

    I came to what I Believe very much as more knowledge listening to Paul Washer preach and wow, this man is full of the Holy Spirit for sure and I just love listening to him express and Pour what God has filled him with.

    In listening more to him, I AM coming deeper into knowledge and knowing the LORD, God, the Father, and Christ and I AM uplifted every moment I allow myself to LISTEN to what he is saying.

    I have repeated here that I keep failing and well, we all do. This is expected as we are human but yes, we can all strive to do better. I was breaking down as I Believed that I was not doing enough and that I was not Listening as I should because I was not earning my place by doing the good works here in this realm but I now Believe and Know otherwise.

    Yes, we are to strive for doing our best for the LORD always. We are to do good in this world as well and spread the good news as it is said and all that is HIS word. We are to go out and try to save as many souls as we possibly can it is said but then I came to recall the full meaning of what Christ gave for all of us and I returned to knowing that we are all Free from our sins when we accept Jesus into our hearts and KNOW Him as our savior.

    We are, of course, to do as best as we can to walk our paths as close to what Christ would but again, when we look at the world and all the different people, we can only fathom that there will be many different purposes as well as outcomes and that not all are so-called destined to preach or even save another in the ways that some may feel they have to.

    I have come to know that while I may Feel everything, it is truly in the moments of my being numb and cut off from it all that is part of me taking my cross up. It is in the silence that we most find God, it is in the stillness of it all that we come to know Him. It is in the moments that we learn to lay down and give up the fight with the world that we begin to wrestle only with God and breakthroughs start to happen as we learn what He wants from us.

    Anything in this life can bring one to sickness and defeat but the same can come with even trying to move closer to God as many of us will begin to judge our own steps and time of travel and again our worth in it all. We will come to that place where we are to learn to shed all that we think we are and only come to KNOW HIM and this can be a very scary thing as in this world, we think we have to keep an eye on ourselves as we try to keep hold of control in some way but the key is letting go of full control…entirely, and giving it all up to the LORD…TRUSTING FULLY in what He has awaiting you no matter what ills and pains you have lived.

    So…if we look at the past I lived, we see a girl who was what most would say was broken and lost, one who began urning towards and conjuring uo the dark in her life only to be led to a certain defeat but that is not so at all.

    I Was a very lost girl but for some reason, something in me Believed tha the only way through and out of it all was by calling on God, Himself, to guide me, by shedding any Light onto the darkness of my world at that time. I called and I called, I prayed and I prayed…though in the most imperfect ways, and I WAS ANSWERED In Full though some would say that such was not, that I was just lucky or all was pure coincidence.

    There Is NO coincidence in this life whatsoever. This is why I call myself out and notice I had been judgmental of my past and the relationships at times and even now with my neighbors. I own that I have been wrong as All Have Served a Purpose for my path in some way though not all was good and of happy and pure love, sometimes dark needs to POUR so we float our way or paddle our boat, our ship back towards the Good, the Love, God in Our Life.

    My lil family remains imperfect in so many ways but this is the Beauty of My Family. The path that we have shared may have chipped away at us in such a way that some days not much is left of us at all, but all the more is OPEN in us for Light to penetrate and for Softness to flood out our wounds.

    I AM never going to get it right and this is the part that I must accept. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me or any other but I Am thankful that I have been Blessed in the ways that I have been so at least there is that TRUST in me with God to make my path straight, to make it right and I do know HE Will.

    You get the benefits of God when you Look to and Seek to Know Him. Your life remains empty and desolate when you disregard all that He can give and has awaiting for you. There is to be no Light when you insist on always turning away from any brightness that sparks up in your world, in your heart.

    Such as I will admit I was I was wrong on the heart as well. I may have said so already before, but again…all comes to Seeking, KNOWING, and Trusting God entirely to lay our best path forward always and that in the end, we will be rewarded in the ways that He has promised.

    So no…I AM in no way losing my mind nor lost it…maybe I already have? I AM walking my walk and I AM not afraid to POUR when I can and question everything always…even God and I notice Him all the more working Good in my life when I do question Him and yes, wrestle.

    Some spaces are meant to be private and left sacred, so I will not share all I speak to My Father. We all have t o find that time and that space we give to Him and Him alone and we will begin to see the threads of our being as well as our paths and this life Beaming Evermore.

    So, I Trust that God has a great plan for my life and a great use for the life that is me. I Trust too that I AM in a season as it is called to only Rise and Bloom all the more again soon.

    I Pray that we all find that Love for and Trust in Him. That is the only way through and forward whether we walk with any other here or not.

    All that is Good will come in time, just as what is right…we just have to Focus High and Trust that He is turning this tide.

    With Love,

    PS. Today has been a very uplifted day and confirmation came in another way among many others by a man who commented on my smile and referred to me as capitivating him with beauty. This was after I had just picked on myself when looking in my car mirror as my face appeared all too red as I had been…yes, you guessed it, crying, but crying out for the LORD.

  • Wade on through this mess

    It has been a while. I have been enduring migraines for the past couple days (my bed had been the place to be for me it seemed) and some extreme nausea tinges but thankfully not enough to go further than that. Now I AM well enough again to Open To Inspiration that has again started to flood every corner of me.
    It was a sad few days as I could not tap into any Inspiring thought nor even think clearly honestly.

    Again, I warn, I will not make any sense but to me, I Do, and for me, that is enough as whoever, if any, needs some dosage of a sort that is guided here by the power that IS, they will come to know exactly what is being said here or even more-so, will be able to spin it all in their own way and hopefully gain some benefit.

    The formatting of this is even leaving me in question. lol I suppose there is a purpose in it. I will just tell myself that as again, I AM ot going to worry about it.
    Lets begin, shall we?

    Dew has welled up and formed crstallized within these eyes, among the breath that is Within supported by the lush that are my lips.

    Dew forms and fills these eyes, drops me on into Infinity that I have yet to realize, see; but a calling remains in me to pause, just wait, and turn in a moment To Be.

    A humming continues along, brushing over my ever-internal parts as if softness of a feather was set up against and once that happens all anyone could do Is TRUST all that IS HIS Plan.

    Beauty Rests gently such as calm oceans resting in each palm of hand, stretched out towards I, with a shimmering transluscent stare as I Breathe, am pulled in and drawn to only Gaze.

    Moist eyes glisten forward and stare upon me with a hypnotizing play by play, I AM led to Fully Open, Surrender…more like I collapsed, fully caved. I come to Understand all in the free fall that Love is a calling, a space that is free, never demanding, always separate from the scars upon me, the stories they hold.

    My chin is grasped hard by what appears a Light of Dreams, by Clenched fingers, closed hand, softly felt petals laid out across a palm of hand asking me to take hold.

    My mouth is covered and held shut while at the same time my head pushed downward to suffocate all the more than I ever had to brave before, to Break on Free, To Begin yet, I AM called Again.

    My Heart screams and pleads with me, for remedy, to be released, set free after severing, the cut off from the painexpected to be.

    Pitter, patter, elixir is called for, Pitter, patter, screw the remedy, pleading for intoxication of a potion, twisted label medication
    What a notion…
    One dose here
    Another there
    A hand that trembles each ticking tock of time
    no more shall be mine
    Only for a moment more this Heart declares
    All Euphoric as the Toxin pours

    Medication after pill, after injection, all continue to be born
    Slogan fest of how we are to heal
    Sew ourselves up complete
    Become whole
    Without true remediation
    Until that very instant
    All threading is lost
    One finally falls
    attempts to take hold
    Full embrace
    the silence of all
    The loss of all ability to Feel anymore
    with shadows that only grow
    overlaying all the knocks that once rippled across one’s door

    Such overwhelming velocity
    The Push
    The Pull
    The Vivid Colors
    Crying out
    next to black and white comic layout dreams
    Picture reel
    Brightest of Lights
    Nothing is as it seems
    Eclipsed with all a time of unfolding
    Brilliant are the angles
    Such Willingness
    Such Smiles
    Hung delicately across a line on into Infinity
    One room amongst never-ending rooms
    Front to back
    Side by side
    A room that dims the lights
    Old box player
    Records spnning
    Brings me along to dance
    For, it is Here
    I AM New

    ok, ok…next…

    I opened a door
    a door set upon forever
    Love and all its magnificent pieces
    Seem to line up and move in patterns
    All too far
    For these hands to reach
    out of touch
    My voice wont even utter the words I attempt to speak
    Fragments of broken mirrors
    Strung out across the floor
    Turns out I have been here
    I AM a ghost
    Nothing more

    Hmmm…different…ok…moving along…

    Spirit of a girl, one who died fiery crash aside a trail of ravine
    I see her now
    Dress hangs torn
    Cloth full of ash
    draped over my neck
    on down to to just below my knees
    softness echoes back to me grace

    No recollection of al the strums gone before
    just a melody
    and I
    in this moment
    this day
    in my heart for always to remain
    broken is the record
    as it plays

    Death it seems to have come
    yet, here I stand tall
    all the more in Light
    for, yesterday has gone
    the rest of the pages blown away
    with feet that lead me still

    Ok, Ok…the last I penned today…or is it the last?

    I have been resistant to step into the realm of these pages, my heart laying out almost silently, and my eyes becoming absent of any and all light that cried to remain as darkness stormed the confines of my brain.

    I was brought to a place from which I stepped right on out, dragged my body across that damn floor, opened the door, kicked myself up again to start this walk again upon my path.

    Pen to paper led to little results and inspiration became a kettles that has been long overbolied taking my hand and guding me only to what became a deep and lingering sorrow.

    Internal bellowing within me seeped from every crevasce in me all the more truths in this shadow world became exposed, the internal light now a scorching burn rather than the once nourturing sunrise.

    So, I attempted to dance, I attempted to take my own damn hand and FEEL the Light Ignite My Core, but emptiness had penetrated deep to my core.

    I attempted to dream, to breathe out all the more flourescent in color, vividly the force but all doors remained locked, barricaded against me in which most would have claimed as my defeat, but no, just a call again, to face the world in all its ugliness, to embrace it and squeeze it dry, set it afire to die and rise again…all is the promise in the let go.

    All become the moments upon moments, testing my patience, testing my faith, testing my ability to not fear this path for me that has been laid.


    Scratching words upon a page, first inspired movement days after migraine flooded on in taking my mind hostage, spin cycle of pain, on to yearning to just succumb to the waves to remain motionless and lay.

    The lesson continued on, holding me to face the truth that has always been all along, to continue to only look outside all the show of this world, to hear only His voice, the continuing of beats from this heart through this life that has seemed at times to have left the building, come to full demise. Heart only drenched and pouring Light.

    To recall and see again the misdirection of the heart as it separates beats from the very breath that Inspired all that it is: rythmic synchronicity.

    To recall that all along, it was never about locating or finding a song, nor about hearing the right message along the course of a melody in any way at all…It was always about taking hold of that power control switch internally set, to rid us of all distraction, all the noise that this life can send, all in that overwhelming momentum to sever connection to all that is eternal life paradise, Word of God, Path of what is right.

    I find that I AM mostly fearless outside the times I come to not feel as it serves as a reminder from where I have traveled long from.
    Though life has been and can be overwhelming, I much rather Feel it and drown in it than to suffocate within all that is comeplete emptiness if that makes sense.

    I have been having these headaches that have upticked for the past while but at the same time, I have been emotionally numb. Not a place I like to be, but again, could just be the calm before the storm of these migraines that had held me down for days.

    Forgive the mess but my basic (not microso..) word processing software does not include spell check or any of the sort and wordpress does not appear to correct either so this is what it is. Or my brain is deceiving me again.
    Late night writing leaves no energy for much else.

    With Love,

    Pop up thoughts…

    I long had a thirst for what was this human experience in what was the depths of romantic love and I was shown I had gone about it all wrong all those years ago even after I was told again just who we are.

    I opened heart…did not recalany warnings to keep some guard of it and I walked my part, and still, my resevoirs were bled dry or maybe it was me all along that never gave enough all across those times, maybe I did not pour enough. or maybe I gave all too much and that too was not right as not all can handle the rivers rush?

    I have come to the conclusion that I have made it this far without ever realizing beauty of such when it comes in comparison to the Biblical definition with anyone in this realm, nor has the mere droplets been enough to quench a thirst that yearned at one time for a continuing return of the pouring that excreted from me as the flood that overwhelmed me created only more and more of an ocean that would eventually always wash away.

    Maybe, more-so, this is My Cross I AM to bear.

    I ask myself if maybe I had been wrong all along as none of us are here to receive despite popular belief as we are here to serve, we are here to give and I should have never wanted for anything, nor even held dear what I thought was good as dreams as for the past 20 years (outside my kids) much all has crashed and burned away from me.

    I was reminded of what we all are worthy of when we walk our right path and that we are enough in every way to give and to receive on our return end. The day I went home and my eyes were opened wide, fresh breath was lit inside and the fire that pours in me arose and from it ash bled, yet, here it appears, my destiny is to ebb and flow only with tides, to feel the fire ignite, burn, and be washed out again.

    Not a complaint, not a worry, just laying out and processing thoughts that fill in me per late night fog, as I AM set apart I know, I experienced the greatest gifts in being welcomed again into His embrace, in coming face to face and being reminded, and being able to continue to learn with and teach and share this path with my kids who all the more Inspire me to try, to feel and listen to and hear Him all the remaining days of my life.

    I AM here and without even having a choice in the matter anymore and pour all the days I AM called to walk more. I AM shown all the faces I never believed nor wanted to be and that is strong and worthy, that is able and ready.

    Love always comes full circle. I know this now. We only see it and experience it if we remain open to seeing it, even in the ways that we never imagined, even in the ways that we have nothing to gain from as life’s web where we can become impatient and demading that all be fair, there comes a day that we are shown that the Promis, the truest gift we ever are to receive is only once we cross that threshold and come to what here is defined as the end.

    First though, we have a path before us to complete no matter how well lit or bleak.

  • Ever-Flowing

    There is a flow in me that never stops, it comes rushing in and it gushes over to pour.

    Here, I AM, again… attempt # (cannot even recall the number actually) to just sit and write and gather together all that flows as magic in me for a moment and well, POUR.

    I have written some during my time away from this realm of web but none to my liking enough that I would even arrive at any completion, nor ever penned the final thought as I would deter the flow and sever it bringing it to a filthy end.

    Truly it became a filth that in me grew as you cut that off that flow in you that IS supposed to come to life, you are going to only feed more of what brings you to a full stop in some way.

    So, Filthy? Not so much, I suppose, but for my own self stopping any movement in me that could bring Light on through, is something that is just not acceptable, but again, this is life, and not all our steps are planned in the most perfect way nor in ways that we, in every moment cooperate in full agreement with.

    Life hits hard and all we can do is Rise up that much taller to try an intimidate or Hit Harder altogether. Sometimes the hardest hits come from the softest of thoughts, the softest of beats, the silence in a moment of all that IS.

    I have had a month that has been quite the raging river Within Me it seems. I, again, had not noticed this many days had passed since I shared, but all comes in Perfect Time, I Believe this in every way as truly it is all God’s Timing.

    This month hit me hard with realities of where my lil family Truly Is, with the so-called realities of where my parents are and too, the world. I was hit with the reality again that I Am such a joke writing here and ever-so-often adding in words that proclaim that can, in any way, be inspiring and help others…when, in fact, I struggle almost daily still and my lil family is far from what the world would call “picture perfect.”

    You must know though that I AM not seeking any kind of image here. I AM just Me as I have always been and I AM just here taking this outlet of mine, at times, for a spin.

    I share here, as I said before, to quite possibly help another, but in truth, to help myself. I write as in the ways I can, even Ren that I had quoted prior said, “”When I write, I belong.”

    Belong to the world? No. Belong to a certain group, belong in a way that I AM accepted in any way by, again, the world? NO.

    Belong means to me, that I Feel the resistance of this body die out and release to housing me and all that is my soul. Belong is to (for me, anyways) is to have the way in which that certain war that can rise Within us is brought to a standstill, a shift, a silence, a withdrawal altogether.

    This month, in the ways that it has, has been a certain war for me (anothet trial to push through and Rise Again from)…one that was housed Within my body, and the other Within my own household. War may be a heavy word compared to what I experienced this month but it works for me here, in this moment, as I write, so going with it.

    I have noticed that the more I Feel my body resist and not cooperate always with me or the moments I Feel a certain depression sideswipe me, my kids reflect back to me very strongly no matter how much I seem to try to be kind and loving.

    This is why burying our crap does not work as something or someone will bring it out to you in full force to face in some way.

    This is how darkness works though. Satan’s fools will use any and every person around you that can be used against you. The dark and all that is of its minions can, in no way, create anything new, so all that can be done is temptation, confusion and condemnation of all souls that exists here in this earthly realm. The war continues my friends.

    It becomes quite apparrent when one goes through a hardship of sorts and what begins is a downward spiral with no way to gain our footing again on what appears only ledges. In one’s moment of weakness, one’s moment of being chipped away at, or even broken, one becomes more vulnerable to be taken for what is the fool and in many ways is played in full as.

    When the weight of the world Feels pressed upon your shoulders and the pressure keeps growing (that pressure is of the mind, of the dark and the bag of tricks) we are to look outside what is this so-called world and call out for God…no other..not any damn other! In doing so, not just once, but continuing to do-so, (why a prayerful life is so important) the pressure will let up and relief in some way can and will be found.

    I wil admit that I have been a lil down and out this past month (moving on from the holiday pull I suppose) what had been my failed fasting attempts as well and for the past week, I being resistant to reaching out to and connecting with God in much of any way. I wanted to be a lil upset as well, my lil family had some struggles here at home, and I was just not having it as I was knocked down and well, had to be awakened again to what I was avoiding which was the LORD.

    I have suffered tremendously during a lot of the days of my life, so how is it fair that I suffer even more, especially, my children who came here innocent? How is this right at all I peaded to know and again, I was shown my answer in the most abrupt way, thankfully without hospitalization this time. Ha!

    I AM to NOT get caught up in the ways of this world. I AM NOT to get swept up in the dark rivers that rush on over me and through me, I AM to call on Him to take it all for me, to gather up all that are my storms and bring them to a serene calm, chaotic heart beats and all.

    I AM to look upon and enjoy the works of others but too know that I have my own voice for my own path gained from Him for my own way so I AM right where I need to be and not get pulled back in any way at all by looking back on my own path to question each and every step I have taken.

    I AM not to look into the eyes of any other and Believe what I AM seeing at any moment the ocean waves are rising fierce. I AM to lull my Heart to softness, I AM to take all that IS the Love in me and Bleed Out A Symphony, all the while, knowing…yes, knowing, that My God hears me and is standing right up next to me and walk on through.

    We are to walk on through it all. We were never promised a garden of roses (as my mom likes to say) nor were we ever told that this world would be without pain. How is it to live if we do not break in some way? I see it and I have lived it, the best of the best, the most intricate of creation, the most perfect of messages come Pouring out from the most broken parts that we seek to only seal up and repair in some way.

    There is a reason they are there that is beyond our understanding and hiding all away will only be of detriment to what is to be our own path.

    We know of no Light until we very clearly know and have lived through the extreme depths that is pain and of the dark. I truly enjoy talking with others who can go deep and Pour as I Love such Truth and in those moments, I Feel the same from the other as well. We know not God’s hand upon us until we have felt the paralyzing grasp of who truly is lucifer.

    Balance again, my friend. Yin and yang, whatever you wish to call it. There will never be one without the other until we step foot beyond those gates, if we do and that choice comes back to you making to right your life and walk the walk. There first has to be a wanting and a knowing and a realizing that we will fight the good fight and we will win as we are a part of God’s army…never any other.
    Neither of us is one without the other.

    We rage on in this world about war started after war ( except for the latest which is ridiculous to me) when this war for our souls has only remained a lasting war, for the life of us war, though sometimes subtle and not so much out in front scene. It remains mostly unknown, as we all, as humans, have a tendency to want to hide and cover up all that is of our suffering. We think that we look weak or that we will lose in some sort of way the life that we hope we can take hold of. We worry that we will lose friends and family if we do not stand strong and well, hold the only face that brings a comfort to them too.

    Coming from one who had lost it all, when there is nothing else to lose, you expose it all and in return, you become fulfilled in the ways of having again.

    We, as humans, broken and little and yes, impure humans, have taken on the weight that is this world and neglected what truly matters and that is Being Real. In being real with all that is of this world, with seeing through all the deception and lies that is the trickery of this world, we come to a new state of being and that is one Fully Connected to and Seeking all the more that of and IS Christ and realizing His sacrifice for all of us and what it truly meant and also HIS message to us all in our own ability to look past this world and all it can be and rise again and again through God, the Heavenly Father.

    You never truly Believe it until you start to drown, until you start to ache consistently and Feel life slipping away. You never Believe until most all of breaks away and reveals he one part that is left which is always HIM. One does not realize it until they have lost everything in some way and there is no other chatter filling up the mind to distract and turn one away.

    There is found SILENCE and there IS LOVE and there IS GOD.

    So, I went from the holiday lame Feels to the Screamo or maybe hardcore (not sure on style of music actually, lol…I AM so out of that loop) on into watching videos of homeless people being helped even in small ways. I have watched people going through hurricanes and tornados and losing what Feels all only to turn around and rebuild.

    I remembered myself asking how foolish those people could be to build again in the same spot that threatened and took all they had and I came to realize that the truth is their own Love, their own Belief in some way in God, and their own bravery and resilience.

    They rebuild because they can.They start again because they can.
    It may appear that all was lost in so many ways but never is it truly. As long as we have Love, as long as we have our focus from Our Hearts upon the LORD, all is truly ok and all is not lost nor can it ever be if we hold Faith, Belief.

    Nothing has ever been fully lost as again, this has been a war that we have endured for ages. It never stopped and we are just walking our steps right on through it and many without even realizing that we are in the deep of it. You get knocked down, you get back up, such is the resilience that is of His LIGHT and too, from Him, human life.

    We are not weak, and we are not broken (as it is deemed in this reality) in any way. It was all meant to be this way in so many ways, it had to be and shall continue to be until we all come to knowing and understanding and Being Willing to Truly Walk.

    I AM sure many have lived devastating losses and hardships and would question as to how their pain is right, how their pain is right in any way and all I can say is that it was never about just us as an indivudual at all. There is a greater goal, a deeper mission that is taking place here and we are just a small piece in it all. Though, we are a very important and most useful piece in the whole strategy, we are only one small but infinite piece.

    I know, for one, that I want to do what I can and what is right here in my moment, not just for my kids and myself, but too, for what is the plan to bring to Heaven to earth. I have been rather upset with myself for having allowed myself to struggle as I had for so long unstead of pushing forward with His Light as I could have all along.

    It sucks, it has big time for a long while and many placemarkers in my life…(both lives, lol) but I AM Here and I AM Ready as this polishing process is insane! 😉
    I write, not to gain friends or a following as I want none of that outside what is open and honest to bleed as well. Yes, that sounds dark, but we all are cut, severed, and damaged in some way, and we all bleed oftentimes to a point that the flow will not stop.

    We all have to want to be better and of our best I Believe, so walk that path and do not bend as we all can do-so.

    If I learned anything with my death experience is that we are never as broken as we think, as there is so much more that can beat us down and break us here. We are never as low and without as we take on and Believe as we are never without Love, Light, and His LOVE. Nor, do I Believe we ever really lose any other not even through what is deemed death.

    We are always able to blast through our paths no matter how they are laid out, we are always able to take on and stand face to face with whatever darkness sends our way as we have every ability to never be fooled by such that is trickery as We Feel the pureness that is God nearest us, and God’s Breath in us always.

    Well, I will say I Feel much better now, so I hope you may as well.
    I write as what I write in its own way, becomes, the bleesing that pours that in turn becomes something greater, something so much more on through the LIGHT that God shines upon the flow. Ever-Flowing-Love-Creation. Ever-Flowing-Life-Through-HIM…Realization.

    If you are not Seeing God, you are not looking. If you are not Hearing God, you are not listening. If you are not Feeling God…You have closed the door.
    Seek Him, Listen to Him, remove the damn barricade from the door and let Him on in.

    With Love,

  • Rambling Thoughts


    I have been busy in my lil world though I have no way of recalling all I have done in the past few days to fill you all in. lol At least for this moment.

    No, it is not dementia (or is it?) or alzheimers I assure you (Dr’s say I show no signs so that is a positive, I think, lol) as I have dealt with this for over 20 years now and when I am in the moment of wanting to recall anything or being asked a question on the spot…my brain literally takes a dump out the back door and I have no way of finding what I need until some time later (maybe) when it wants to allow me to, sometimes moments, sometimes days.

    Oh, good times. Fun.

    I have been writing post after post since the last but never finished any as was cut off and interrupted by my daughter a few times from which my mind just quits altogether as the moment I had become cut off…you know, that back door.

    I truly Believe that if…Honestly IF I had more support in my daily life that I would do so much better with all this mind stuff but again, going through what I had and then in the relationships full of trauma…ok, maybe not full, but with enduring such (that kept my focus from where it needed to be), I continue to have moments of struggle…but again, maybe it is just how it is meant to be for me as this life is not without struggle for any of us in any way. Hmm…and in not knowing IF my path would have been any different if other ways had been chosen…all remains unknown. I AM where I AM just as you are where you be, so we walk as we must from where we are or we come to pave another path entirely.

    In so many ways, I want to say that the ways our path went is what was truly meant and that there was no other way for any part of our life to be as well, God knows all which includes all our path and our choices, right? I AM still trying to figure it all out but thinking that the Truth of it all is not for us to come to find out outside the words He had left for us. I suppose it goes hand in hand with holding strong and focused Faith on Him and the path that is set before us and walking it in full without any choices outside of what He has set for us?

    This life is ours to carve out but truly, I think in so many ways that we are meant to make what is set before us to work in the best and most loving and accepting of ways. That just seems to be for me to be the way of holding unbreakable Faith and no, I did not do just that in much any part of my life for the majority of it.

    I do still Believe in the free-will we have so this would say that we do have choices and we are free to make the ones we want, but again, I suppose it all goes back to the intent and pureness of one’s Heart, one;s focus upon God and His Light as the choices that we do come to make may-so prove if all is linear with His Plan, the path He has set before us… Just thinking here…

    Back again to Pinnochio. lol

    We are allowed choices upon our set-for-us-path but again, IF we make wrong turns, take detours, disregard fully the way we were/are called especially for pleasure and excitement, we must return to understanding our choice(s) and how we may have been wrong when in fact, the path takes a downward disaster spiral or pulls us further away from coming to know and remain with HIM in any way.

    We have to be open to learning and understanding the depths of all that we have been and are as we come to wash all out from ourselves to Arise as the Best in Light that He has called for us. This includes even all those we may keep closest as well, as sometimes such was not a part of His plan either and the proof of that will be in how life is going since sharing or how a job or a living space and such has come to affect one.

    Such as this apartment here. It, as I said, is FAR From perfect, but I Feel Peace Here and my kids are doing better than they were and are happy, so that to me is that this was truly God answered prayer sent and that the next step to our better path is about to open for us.

    Not going to go into all of that other step yet, but cetain pieces are starting to appear and look promising…so we ahll see.

    Does this makes sense? I AM not going back to read it, (too late for that) so enjoy the pondering no matter. 😉

    Well, off to prepare for bed and read my bible that I have not been as Faithful in doing lately.

    Now, the poem…

    Peeled back are these layers of me
    Face turned forward
    Reflected by shattering glass
    Fragments of what has been my imagination
    All on a mission to try and set me free
    Of pain
    and sorrow
    and all that has been misery
    Yet, Here I AM
    standing before myself once more

    In this moment
    Slowly I take my hand
    reach it on out
    to grasp
    take hold
    slivers of glass
    drawing blood
    at first
    from wounded fingers
    scratched upon
    wonded in time
    all mine

    Scream out
    I do not
    as the pain is not the harshest I have been fed
    Platters full
    laid out on the ground
    pictures of paths walked prior
    portraits of a future that seems impossible now
    all in so many ways unrecognizable
    nothing familar
    nothing the same

    Here I AM
    appears I may be lost
    here I AM
    faced again
    Shattered Dreams
    Songs that continue to start up again
    never end
    and Here I AM
    Greeting myself without much of a smile
    yet, lips creasing up
    fading and curving downward again
    all to fall linear
    expression of emotion
    all that waves and fades on out
    leavs me breathless
    as in this moment
    I come to find
    I no further glow

    This story is not a 1 time happening
    this has repeated for the life of me
    whether it be demonic
    or sent by way of the divine
    I have come to recognize it is only me
    looking back at me
    through the glass
    splintered mirrored pieces
    calling me to enter on in
    step on over
    take my hand
    be a friend
    yet again
    impossible it is
    as my feet are planted
    for a moment
    in this reality
    cemented in

    Here it is, I stand
    in a moment
    from this
    to the next
    with mirror in hand
    and one set out before me
    Risen taller than I can see
    and again I AM told to step
    without even a glance at where I AM
    to Trust
    To Go
    without being able to recognize
    the illusion of it all
    To Hear HIS voice in full
    and just step
    without even making the choice

    In This Moment
    my eyes fall blind
    nothing appears to me known
    myself included
    in the threading of all that is this life
    this path
    the continuing shattering of mirrors
    all that is glass
    of happiness
    and joy
    and even moments of despair
    thrown down before me
    I Feel No fear

    Continuing Mirror Patterns
    Rising more and more each day
    Confidence reigns full
    Heavenly Armour and strength
    as in Truth
    I AM Strong
    never far from the threadings He laid out in Creation of Me
    of this world
    the Heavens
    each and every sea
    Yet, the meaning goes right over my head
    and that is
    Always for me to Believe
    not just in Him
    but too
    In Me

    There is a song that plays
    and if I Listen close enough
    HIS voice comes through
    telling me all I AM supposed to do…

    I AM to shed all that I Believe that I AM
    I AM to shed all that I think each person is
    and all that this world seems to be too
    and shift my eyes
    the rhythm of every beat
    and every breath
    the words I think
    the thoughts I speak
    to HIM
    and all that IS HIS Light
    and begin again
    walking forward
    without a hesitation in my step

    I AM as We Are
    to walk always towards
    and with
    the Light
    I AM
    We Are
    to follow
    to the Brightest
    and Most Loving World
    all in My/Your Hands
    Placed By HIM
    the Most Loving World
    We are about to awaken to

    With Love,




  • Burn it All

    Just wanting to share this piece for tonight.

    “When I write, I belong.” Ren

    I realize that others have shared their opinions, etc. about the latest from the musical artist Ren, but I Feel very much Inspired to share my own.

    Ren’s latest piece is titled “Hi ren” and I very much resonate with the story and the message of this song. I connect very deeply with who I had been prior to my injury (even pieces of memory that remain now) and with having came across that memory box months back, I now see that what I was experiencing was very much real and yes, traumatic.

    Demonic in all ways, truly.

    I am not sure if I shared those pieces from my box that showcased the ill of my mind, the continuous deadening of my heart, piece by piece, moment by moment, beat after beat…one emotional wreckage following another as I buried myself deeper in my cave of isolated silence outside the voices of darkness.
    I truly Believe that in such states, such as even when on the close divide between life and death, we become “split,” as truly we are…in between worlds, neither here nor there, in between realms of light and dark, wake and full-stop sleep, conscious and blind.

    Ren’s commentary at the end of this piece I most truly adore as well, as I LOVE his being raw and indeed, Pouring His Soul out for the world to know. I absolutely adore anyone who can allow themselves to POUR. It is a beautiful thing to me though the pain lived was, is, and remains very real.

    I just like to know the stories of others and to know the path they walked into and coming through such torment and being able to connect the dots when it comes to God’s hand working all throughout it. We all should be interested and inspired as even though many like to hide such things, we all suffer. None are without no matter how well they attempt to show such in their daily presentation or facebook profiles, etc.

    I, myself, went through a period where, I too, wanted to defeat all that was evil within (at that time) the realms of my life and for those I kept closest (not possible without calling on the LORD), though towards the last (give or take) 6 months prior to my injury, I saw everyone within the confines of this world, (those closest or not) as evil and only plotting to take me out in some way.

    I understand it now…as dark spirits had set in and for any other to bring me to any realization of the good I was or the light that I held and had in my favor…by my side, darkness’ agenda would have failed completely though before my final demise, it very much did fail.

    This, just like the world today, became my reality as all was turned upside down and backwards. All truth appeared as the opposite in meaning and all the proof I needed to Believe-so was laid right in my lap by the greatest player of trickery.
    Thankfully I was able to grasp fragments of His Light as I was pleading and calling out for Him, as otherwise, I know I would have came to the very end.

    Such is done…all the trickery, to confuse and tire one (such as a narcissist does to one as well) as when in such a state, most have no way of recalling nor even Believing eough to call out to God, to Christ for the washing of His blood, the flooding of His Light and in turn, no other oath is seen and one would only lay down and give up.

    (Such you can see in what may be Ren’s comment on his early struggle…though this has not been confirmed
    I had periods where I could see good and the absolute pure Love of those that cared for me, (I need to share the photos as night and day just one day to another from complete desparation to ear to ear smile for the world audience) but I suppose it is called splitting as it never held for long it seemed…no one I talk to now knows if I did and the one who may be able to fill me in I refuse to ask as in being my ex (months prior to my final downward path) as I do not want to overstep boundaries being he is married…so I and any of you reading, are left with all of that being of the unknown.

    What matters NOW is just that…NOW.

    All I know is that I started to pave the path from where I would not just hurt those closest to me, I seemed to know that the worst I could do was to destroy myself…was to remove myself entirely from their lives, as the little light I had, I shone completely upon them.

    The oddity of my own struggle was that the way I felt I could destroy others was through only destroying myself as well, the true me knew that I was loved and not alone but the darkness wanted me to Believe otherwise… so in only peering towards all that remain unlit, I became its prey as I was fooled into conspiring together in the depths of what was my sickness (such as having that psedo-personality) and the path was fully laid out to bring about all that was my existence to a full-stop-end.

    The path was laid in all perfection one could say with all players right at hand, to prove to me that God was never there, nor ever existed anyhow. The greatest liar wanted me to Believe that God was the lie so as I could lose my soul in the end.

    I felt very alone even being surrounded by love and I Believed that everyone was after me other than satan himself as such forces acted like a friend to some degree though harshly critical of me and that all else had ill intention for me, that love in any way spoken to or directed towards me was just a piece of trickery…the great lie…although the lie came from the one and only poor sick boy, lucifer to suffocate me entirely as I had a voice that sought to be free and could bring about good change for myself, my inner circle as well as maybe the world or at least a sweet few. In whatever count it may had been, I could have saved some souls.

    I had a well of Brightly Lit Spirit in me that had (in what had been my happiness) continued to Rise up and come close to overflow out into the confines of my own life and maybe too, the world. I became vulnerable the moment my brother passed on and dark more and more grew closer to me as if a friend. I became most happy with that late ex, but in a co-dependent way I suppose so it is a miracle in itself that I let him go at all.

    You wonder why so many who are part of the creative arts and ways of self-expression become so lost or end up dead? Well, (outside many areas of industries involved and the sick ways of such things) such is ever the workings of God…the Holy Spirit, coming through and bringing in full the connection to all that is of His divine and in this, whether we choose to or even want to, in our creating, we are forced to look at ourself on the deepest level, to know a truth of ourself that oftentimes is far too much to withstand, TO FEEL the Fullness of it all, especially when others resonate with such and their energy is added into the mix, their pain, their struggles…their Light and dark meshing with our own moment after moment until we find how to close that overwhelming door.

    We often come to this place where we see the whole that we have let ourselves become in this life, or even fell victim to, if you prefer, and we come to ask ourselves how we can help any other when we remain so damn broken ourselves? This questioning gives way to dark to start, to begin to play on the waves of ones mind and further the waves from each and every heart beat…the start of trickery…leading us to confusion, leading one to question further and come to doubt to come to slipping and falling and proving self as a victim and eventually all too weak to even breathe, let alone, stand again.

    Listening to Ren and his song “Hi Ren”, I cannot help but to come to this place of what is Deep Comfort and also an extreme wash of exhiliration that just rushes on over and through me…as it is just Beautiful.

    No, I do not in any way celebrate that he suffered and still has some struggles. I do not Feel good about any other suffering as such, but I AM Inspired as he got to the place he IS when in such a deep well of anguish was very intent on drowning him completely out. I AM happy and Inspired further as his videos and his music is added fuel to the fire that will burn all this shi* out.
    The Eternal Light is truly Upon Us.

    Outside the commentary at the end of this song, Ren put out a video about the same time of the release of this song. The video displayed Ren in his moment of struggle, in what could have been his entire defeat. The video is Raw AF and again, paints the picture of myself that I endured as well though very much hidden.

    This song…THIS SONG just brings chills on through me. Not chills of Feeling cold or discomfort in any way but of Feeling that I have found another friend, and also, another Creative Spirit that is pushing on through and this is Inspiring. I Pray that Ren indeed does keep blasting on through as he says in the song that his “music is not commercial like that…that his music is really connecting and the people that find it respect it, and for him that is enough, as this life has been tough, and it gives me a purpose I can rest in.”

    I Pray that he is never swayed into turning mainstream or commercial as his music as it is and where it is and I Feel, best for his right path…
    and I LOVE this part: “I was made to be tested and twisted. I was made to be broken and beat. I was made by His hand, as a part of His plan for me to stand on my own 2 feet.”

    We are not here to just enjoy our time folks. Most definitely.
    Actually as a whole, the song is just brilliant in my opinion.

    Fulll lyrics:

    also…his video from which he was struggling tremendously way back in 2014:

    You see, we FACE the ugly that can enter us and at times even become us. We face it head on and I do say, we call on His Light, we call on God through Christ as HE Is The Way…the ONLY WAY, and …we turn away from the crap. We at least have to find that place where we do not fear such things. I think this is where the Creative Spirit…the Holy Spirit, comes through as when one is taking such that is dark and ugly and of misery, we change it, we weaken its hold as we shift our perspective of such and in this we gain the upper hand.

    I would like to write as well that (as you may read later at the link I shared) that Ren was signed by Sony years ago and lost the deal due to his struggles (not confirmed by me) in which I Feel was meant to be and in all truth, God’s hand freeed his path from what I Feel may had been his detriment since learning more of such entities. Ren, just as I prior seems to had been struggling with his full belief in all that he wa shaving to endure and in such, vulnerable, from which such entiities and forces like to take hold.

    His story was needed for those of us in this world to hear and know and resonate with and for him Listening and Pouring, I send my gratitude.

    Set that Spark, Burn it All,
    In the name of Jesus,
    In the name of Love.


  • Veins That Flood

    Outside looks dreary, with rain showers and flooding that sweeps the hills and all the land. The sky of desolute hue and flocks of black birds scurrying accross the sky just to make it to shelter in time.

    I drove my car today as I did not realize the downpouring that would ensue. The roadways were soaked and the farms all flooded with many areas of roads almost completely washed out by the continuous fall.

    I woke with this urge to take myself to breakfast. Back to dating myself
    Of course, I chose a day during the weekend of expected consistent 100% rain to Feel such, just as I had bought my kids and their cousins tickets to Boomers this Sunday though (if the forecast sticks) is supposed to be rain free. We shall see.

    As I have said, I have always loved the presence of rain…forever I shall be a part of I decklare time after time.

    I have always felt a calm rush on over me and as if flowing through my veins, a wave of Pure Love fill me. Todays drive I felt much of the same and with my fingers having rubbed across my cross necklace which hangs in my car, I thanked Jesus again and I prayed for the blessing that is this downpour and His hand that would take me from home to where I needed to be and back again without any trouble and He proved His Presence in my life again.

    Now…tomorrow when I have to drive over an hour to and from my destination with my kids on the return portion, I pray that His hand guides me once again…but I have no weariness so I know that all will be just fine.

    It actually became kind of scary at some parts of my trip today but again, this now changed mind, never let such thoughts remain. We all should think in similar ways, as we are here in this NOW and there is a reason, a great reason for this…we are to Find HIM and to find TRUST in all that HE can do for us…whether we remain here or not.

    This is why, as the rain poured today and all the recent past, I did not get all worked up about being on this hillside in fear of this complex sliding on down (the thought did appear, lol) and that my bedroom/kitchen wall could break and allow the flood to enter as the same had happened to my old 4-plex I lived in about 7 years ago. No fun, but as I see all that has been my life, I AM to, with full force, in full TRUST, Lean on the LORD and know that He will get me through unscathed.

    I also left on my hour away trip today and halfway realized that I left the wall heater on which panicked me for a about a minute and then I just said had to say f* it as I was not turning back. Ha! If it all goes up in flames, then we start again…that is all we can do. Although I was having a hard time as the cats were home.

    Anyways, all was still standing as before when I returned and the roadways were mostly clear. The part I AM most thankful on is that no other really followed me on the way back which definitely helped ease anxieties…until of course, I had that thought as to why maybe no other was heading up the hill as I was. 😉

    I truly Believe that in part, me being a mom during these times is what is helping me best as I can be an overthinker. I AM so distracted the majority of the time with just my duties here at home with my kids that I have not much else room to worry about anything else. Of course, this past injury has helped much as well, no place to hold much worry when God is in rules what this mind holds now.

    This again, is the joy and the blessing of writing for me as I come to find and know more all that I AM Blessed with and how I may be able to help others as well.

    What I write or Feel Pulled towards writing, I, in that moment, CREATE and that beating of my heart spreads like wildfire across the bounds known as this world with the help of God’s hand.

    I watch videos of others testifying and sharing His Word and I want to FEEL Small and that I AM not doing enough nor the right things for Him. I want to compare my ability to write to those who truly exceed me in every way, and I AM brought back again to just turn my music on and pull this pen out again. I AM called to write and in no way hesitate as in ignoring Him, I will only be led astray again.

    There is so much…SO MUCH that I wish I had done differently all along this path of healing, all Within each and every day that I have shared with my kids and each and every person I had shared any moment with. I had wished that I had been able to HEAL faster and in such a way that no other was hurt nor felt left behind or ignored or neglected by what had been my spacey and at times very sensitive mind. I had wished too that I would be able to find a way to go back and right all of my wrongs though NOW I know that I cannot and that I Truly do not need to.

    I AM reminded again as to the gift that this moment for me has been and continues to be. I AM reminded that I was given a chance to make the path before me right in the ways that I could no matter what I was presented and no matter what I had to endure, and no matter who would ever be nearest my side or furtherst.

    I had feared losing all before and it was only through the continuous falling away that I learned of God’s continuous presence near me and His hand in my own. It was the continous falling away that cleared the way for His Light to come on through and Allow me to be led in such a way that (despite all the crap I lived for many years since) protected me and my kids as well.

    I AM just FEELING all the more walls having come down in me today, in this moment. I AM Feeling all the more FREE in Being in this HERE and NOW and that TRULY…all is Well and is going to be ok.

    It has not been easy, my kids had lived through a lot in having a mom that has been in the process of healing for all of their lives. I cannot recall much of their earlier years which pains me, but again, I come to see more and more the comforts that they had found in being with me so I will push on and continue doing the best I can for them.

    You find something outside yourself to endure successfully this life. This life is not without pain nor loss nor is it going to offer you all you could ever dream without anything in return from you.

    In finding something…someone outside of yourself that you FEEL a deeper purpose in living, you find the best that is you. This can and in many ways should be God alone, but while we are here, we are served a multiude of people that can aid our path…both good and bad.

    I spoke to my local postal lady the day prior to Christmas and she mentioned that she had no family as those closest to her had past on such as both parents and her siblings. They used to have large family gatherings during the holidays and it was never about the gifts but just the love that was shared…now she has struggled to even like this season at all. In her words, she “hates Christmas.”

    And…I get it, I do but just as she had…we find something that helps us to LIVE while we are here enduring all that we are up to endure and she has come to find that during Christmas she receives and responds to Santa letters for the kids and that in part, has given her some different sense of peace during this time of the year.

    To think too that she works at the USPS and during Christmas, you are just flooded with people coming in and out and sending their Christmas packages and cards and also saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you repeatedly.

    Despite all, You keep seeing smiling faces and also those who are stressed abou the rush of the season and it is up to you to greet them with a smile and help them through their moment for the season all the while, you cannot handle the upsoming day at all in your own world. That to me was strength as until the moment she opened to me (as most do) I had no clue that she was dealing with such as she was always smiling and laughing and cheery.

    Holding the weight of the world and never allowing it to break us is what she was doing and so I was glad that she opened to me and shared her struggle with me as I was able to offer her my Heart, My Love, and My Understanding thorugh my Empathy for her. I was able to LISTEN to Her and give her that moment that I do Believe, God intended for her to have and with me listening and being who I was for that moment, she was able to POUR and Be Received.

    Besides being the best mom I can be for my kids, the most I want out of this life is not so much for myself but to be as such for others and for many years, I shut myself off to being such due to what had been intense healing and conintuing struggle. This time in the world is said to get worse so we shall see, but the more we POUR and the more we allow ourselves to stand in a place to RECEIVE…all the more better this coming year shall be…no matter, as we Forever Rest In HIS hands.

    2023 shall be a year of further awakening for us all. It shall be a year that LOVE swells up so full that it pours over on throughout all that is the lands, washing out all that is in any way opposite of such. We will come to that place that we finally and truly realize the worth that we each hold and all the joys that we are beyond worthy of.

    We shall come to a place that we no longer are fooled by the deceptions of what has been the lower darkness and we will gain confidence in sharing not only our voice but also the Beauty that exists Within all that We Are.
    We are to BREAK Open this world in such a world that it shall only be flooded IN LIGHT with all else exposed and flushed on out to never return again.
    I Believe. I DO.

    With Love, always near and always listening,

    PS. IF any of you wish to dig deeper into what may be the times in this world, I suggest looking into Redacted which is on youtube. On top of that also keep your heart syncing in beats and rising by KEEPING God close and diving deeper into His Word. LISTEN and you will be led to CREATE as well in some way from the deep well of creative spirit that lingers in you. To be seen, to be heard, to be understood…one must first come to LISTEN and TRULY HEAR and in that Understand…Find Wisdom which is found In HIS WORD when we SEEK and ASK HIM and you will too will come to Peace no matter how desolate the skies turn.

  • Moments

    Let me start here by saying that I AM very lost on where I AM with all of this blog/journaling thing here. Ha! Life of me…I think now it has been about 9 days since I shared last?? I fully Believed that I had returned to share since at least Christmas but it appears I have not.

    Well, for now, with my kids having left for a weekend again, I guess I AM less distracted in my duties as a mom and am coming into the moment with being able to Look Out into Wonder and again become Inspired and Write in some way.

    I just FEEL like penning a poem, or you can call it a rambling if you prefer. 😉

    Meant To Be
    Such as the depths of the sea
    Forever washing waves up against who I AM
    Who You Be.

    Meant To Be
    Waves in union
    far from any way in-sync
    grasping hold the hands of we

    Meant To Be
    bringing us down

    Meant To Be
    taking Our Breath

    Meant To Be
    holding us hostage

    Meant To Be
    drowning us completely

    Meant To Be
    all that we had been and are To Be
    Every Moment
    splitting us far for what felt eternity

    Meant To Be
    Drenched for what seemed a moment
    Drenched and then we soared
    Only to be lifted up and wrung on out
    torched to the fire
    set upright
    told to walk again
    Within and thereabout to Love
    once our eyes too blind to see.

    Meant To Be
    This Rain that drizzles on down again
    feet settled and calm in a moment of no pain
    though toes refusing in this moment To Dance again
    merely taking in the Peace of this moment
    brought by what has become heavy lips lined in Crystallized Shine
    Bright Droplet State of solemn shores
    IS THIS the works of God
    all that IS Divine?

    Meant To Be
    Broken Wide Open
    all Within the space that is this song
    Strummed Internally
    For all the years we have strived forward
    fell and broken
    opened eyes
    longed for one moment more
    to come to and Be Embraced
    Ocean Shores

    Meant To Be
    the times we idly sat by
    the times we braved the magic of play
    all Being the inscription we made amongst the waves
    Pulling the ocean all the more close as we became the new Magnificent shore
    laying out
    sun bathed…perhaps
    all the Beauty the waters fed to us Freely
    Bellies becoming full spiritually

    Meant To Be
    all the more closer we were called to bring this Dream
    even in the stretches of agonizing pain and head-spin
    loss and fragility
    NOW Finally
    in This Moment
    we no longer fear the fall
    built on up to soldier on WE ARE
    as we fear no longer the tumbling down
    the Coming Waves
    the Ocean Floors abruptly meeting Our Knees

    Meant To Be
    We Scream
    and Dive In Full
    Meant To Be
    we Freely Leap
    from Our Feet
    Time and time again

    Meant To Be
    We Scream
    We Fall
    Leaping from the greatest of peaks
    all carved out
    Beauty Is All

    Meant To Be
    Eyes Can See

    Meant To Be
    As We Sing
    As We Be
    Each Spark We Breathe

    Meant To Be
    As We Dreamed
    In This Moment
    Allow It To Be

    …and I AM tired… I went to edit and well, “that is not happening”, I told myself half way through. 😉

    Hopefully I can catch up on here on this blog tomorrow as have an outing with the kiddos Sunday, so, we shall see.

    Life has definitely sped up and all has been rushing on by. Have you taken notice at all?

    All the more important it is for us to Focus Deep and Keep Love Nearest Always Our Side. Keep Love rolling off your tongue and filling the Ocean Pools of Your Eyes. Allow Love to appear as droplets upon your lips and extend out from each Breath, PURE as we continue to Scortch Open the pathway for Love to sweep this world in Light for all to Endure.


  • Rivers,Oceans, and Streams, Oh My

    Ocean Blue
    I Jump right on in and Drown into You
    Waves collapse and rise again
    Setting along with the sun
    Sparking Fire that Burns
    and in turn

    (starts a few days ago and flows on into today as I do)

    Returned home late tonight, Fog that slowly drifted downwards to obstruct my view waited till the moment I pulled into town as again, Prayers Heard, Kept safe by His Hand.

    Now, my home was rather chill given it is down (so far) to about 35 degrees so a nightly shower was called to warm these bones of mine as I now sit with my mug of hot cocoa to sip as I prepare myself for calm and cozy on into slumber.

    I felt more of the spirit as I had thought of Christmas tonight so that was nice. I think, maybe, that if we know the true meaning of this time and focus on Love instead, and on Christ, we shall be fine. If indeed we as well, celebrate all the days of our lives as the Gift that had truly been given all of us.

    I can be all over the place in thought sometimes (which is odd at times), as my mind had been pretty quiet for the years of my healing early on but now I see that there is a Fire In Me dissolving to POUR ALL THE MORE though subtly still is the full flow.

    This time to me is a moment to let go of all things that only hold us back. This time is a moment to realize again what truly each breath within and throughout us has a Purpose in BEing.

    This moment is to Love, YES. this moment is to Embrace, and Be Thankful for all that we have, YES…but so many forget to be Thankful for this opportunity in full and that includes the sorrow as well as the gloom too.

    Without all of such we would never come to find the True Strength that we hold and are and the capcicity that we hold in being ABLE to make it on through…Lamps Lit Brightly, the Power through HIM comes on into.

    In full, with pain and sorrow as well as tidbits of happiness and overflowing joy…To be thankful for what IS our ability to keep rising when all the world turns against us or we come to realize it wa snever there to begin with anyhow, when much of what we trust and love turn out to be anything but.

    We are to be most thankful for the sacrifice of Our LORD indeed, for without such ,we would have never been able to experience the essence that can be life with the depths of what LOVE Can Be in what IS this physical reality…more-so as I Believe is actually only a dream.

    I watched a Jordan Peterson clip tonight and I find myself much of the same for the longest time…being overcome with emotion. Once you reach this place, after you endure the deepest of suffering (from which you come through and out of) you are forever changed…you are forever awakened to a Truth that you had long forgotten. You come to that place where you are full surrender even in the moments you only want to resist as well.

    Peterson is still piecing it all together just like I have for all of these years of healing, but he has what I Believe as the Holy Spirit right by his side such as I. To be overcome with emotion with such deep empathy is ever-a-piece that I Believe is of the Holy Spirit’s presence.

    When one reaches that place where they stop trying to figure this all out, where they stop also trying to control every aspect of what this reality can be and Surrender to full on vulnerability, One is Truly BLESSED WITH KNOWING even if not so much visually, even if still with certain questions lingering, as a certain calm continues to flood on in and wash all else away.

    For some, I might add, there is no surrender and opening to becoming vulnerable in any way until the weight of this world becomes all too much, when the breakage of one’s physical self is so deep that all left is the exposure of the soul, and one is faced with the reveal of who is GOD.

    Some can reach knowing by going through less suffering I suppose, but there is no life here that is totally free of such and as I used to decalare that this life was so unfair, the fairness in it all is that we can always find a certain balance IF we look for and choose to have such and again, I say this is by Seeking the Father, Seeking Christ.

    As in this video I watched tonight (…”Something terrible is happening to me right now!/ Jordan Peterson), the truth that we must find in Our Walk in this world, in each of our lives, Is Balance. I think I might have spoken about this before on here but it is most important to be shared again if I have and now with further backing.

    Just as in this video, too much happiness can indeed be sickening and well, debilitating. We are to dip our toes and have the ability to remove them when we choose to or rather are Inspired ByGod to do-so, and bring them back time and time again without the skin wrinkling up or without us losing all sense of Feel Within the whole that is our feet. We are to find that balance of how much is enough as per time dipped in and the other variables such as water temp, etc. as it is our feet that are to take upon the steps laid our before us.

    What this world has done has taught us all that we have no ability to choose, let alone even know what is best for our minds or bodies. We are taught that we are not be trusted with any part that IS a part of who we are (though we are told that all is not such). We are taught that anything that comes from His WORD is only to imprison us and contrl when if yo utruly look at it, you see that the way to being free is only through HIS WORD.

    We are taught that each and every part that comes up in us is something that needs to be quieted and solved, that a remedy muct be found as well, we are just not right. Ask yourself why the pharmaceutical companies have and continue to make so much money from us, the people of HIS Perfect Creation?

    And this my friiends…

    In part, is why there is so much damn mental health shi* that is flooding the bounds of this world today with only so-called remedies that bring about so many other ailments that feed off of and strip away more of the Truth that We Be?

    We LIISTENED to and Trusted the wrong people, we Listened to and Trusted only that which is of this world and not our own intuition with Heart True and in Sync to our Connection to the voice of GOD, for He Speaks if only you LISTEN.

    We are so damn sick and lost here because we stopped calling on Him and Seeking Him. We are sick and lost here because we lost our balance by breathing life into the fears that we had been fed, by breathing life into the dark that surrounds our path and not Turning In and Oening Our Door (not more to this world) more For HIM.

    YES…This World is in part to test us, to break us, to bring us to ur knees one way or another whether that be for the Light or the Dark, but too, with the right Knowing, which is FOUND In The Bible…HIS Word, we come to not be fearful of what this world brings upon our path nor do we fall so easily for the trickery that is laid out before us.

    We Find Our Way, Our Best Way through HIM and HIM alone.

    We must be brave enough to take on the voyage, the fullness that is of the never surrendering seas. We are to brave a world that rises against us in every way and we are to brave still when there is no one that braves the same to stand nearest our side in what is this physical reality.

    There is never an excuse great enough that keeps us away from coming to Finding and Knowing HIM as He Is Always Here.

    We are to brave digging and Seeking and Searching for not only the LORD but too, the Truths that are of this world, no matter how scary nor how dark they may be. We are to be firece enough to face whatever may come up even in the moments that such may shatter the ounce of comfort that we had come to find, come to depend upon and FEEL safe enough in having but in the end may very well lose by either such leaving us or us having to turn and walk away.

    We are to keep making our way down this path that is dreary and not every curve nor shadow is revealed, that many forces that only seek to defeat you persistently await for your every step to falter and bring you to fall…but we are to Walk WITHOUT FEAR in any way at all.

    As I keep saying, I AM finding my way each new waking moment and day and I continue to Be Imperfect in my ways though I AM striving more and more to retrun to that place I had came to all those 20 years ago where the LOVE from me just poured and I held no question as per existence nor why each of us are here, nor did I question all those who were resistant to Hear Me or Share. To return to that place where I KNEW the LORD’s Presence in every breath I take and all the more in the ones I came to release and share is closer each day it seems.

    I have been hesistant of this season as I have (like I shared) had an uneasiness of all of what I thought was this moment in our time each year. Then upon much Prayer and LISTENING and being guided again, this video ( was atop my feed and answered my question in full. Even more amazing is the presenter of the video who is Pastor Vlad Savchuck who happens to have a weak eye such as myself though he was born with his optical nerve being damaged. I Had to throw that in there as it is just an awesome thing.

    I want to add also that while I share different sources, etc. on here, I, in no way, agree with every thing that is said by even a person I have found a tidbit of Inspiration and Truth in…that again is part of the dig, part of the search, part of SEEKING God’s Presence and coming to find not just who you Truly Are but also who Christ truly Is, Father God.

    We come to find pieces throughout this life and it is us who has to piece them together, it is us who has to TRUST in our own ability to not only bring the pieces together in perfect fit but to also TRUST that the pieces had been there all along laid out by His Holy Hand for us to take on as our own. We are to TRUST that it is us to not just so much bring pieces together but to first See them and Recognize them as well as Give them the Meaning that is the most serving of the path that we have been given.

    We are given nothing that we are not threaded enough to handle Within this realm and I truly Believe this though I had underwent some very deep stuff.
    Christmas, I will say, is a time that we are to Celebrate HIS Birth yes, but the ways of the world have washed it up in each and every way that it could have.

    Sure, we can come together with friends and family and offer joy and blessings from our own workings and doings without getting lost in the distraction that we had been fed for all too long. The distraction being that nothing else matters outside that high ticket item ,that nothing else matters as long as you alone or just your family alone is benefitting in some way compared to all that are suffering nearby. It is the distraction that all that we matter is what social media labels us as, just as that latest selfie showcases as well.

    I AM just floating along here, I FEEL in so many ways. Life is far from easy for me, but Here I AM Living it, Breathing it in each new moment, each and every day that I AM allotted.

    I have stalled on my path and have not kept up with my EATING of HIS WORD as I had been and I AM not pleased with myself for this. I have not been able to bring myself to fast again and that has irritated me in part as well. The weight of the world FEELS Heavy and it is time I tell it to depart from my shoulders as I shift this mind of mine again, shift this Heart of mine too, to HIS TRUTH.

    The TRUTH of it all is all in the Beats of one’s Heart, One’s SOUL. There is no way to mask nor hide the Essence of who you truly are through this threading that has been interwoven with all perfection by His Almighty Hand and in that…HE KNOWS. Our Intent in all things, HE KNOWS. Our Love and Our Loyalty and our Focus as well as our Adoration is all in clear picture right before HIM. Our Dreams and all that has been our fears, our moments of sickness as well as our finest moments of being PURE. Our Saddness and our anger, and every moment we have ever called out for Him or ignored Him.

    I have found, and those that have known me get a chuckle out of it, but if you were to attend a family gathering with me, you would see us all conversing along and then you might, just might, notice me chiming on in with the voice that leaves me, my thoughts on whatever subject is being shared…and come to never be heard. I have been caught attempting to speak louder and even yell at times but to no coming to be heard in any way. Then in moments that I AM able to break on through for that lil moment, the eyes of my family mostly cloud on over and inside of me is my own chuckle wondering why I even spoke at all.

    Well, it used to bother me, it very much did and honestly, I know that I was heard more when I was not where I currently am with my emotions and such since my injury. This comes into play with us all being energy as it has been said in that only those of a same frequency can take notice or link up with such that is the same but it all comes back to GOD and HIS Purpose for me…for each of us.

    I AM a Seed Planter…we all are in part. Whether or not I AM taken into a conversation or completely flooded on out, I had very Deeply Defined and Laid out pieces for others to come to find and for those who already have, to take them up and define as their own and fit them in the ways that they can.

    Those who are Asking and Seeking and are Ready to LISTEN, Will. Those who are not ready or may in some way be guided by the LORD in an entirely other way, will not seem to take notice of what POURS from you but we are to share anyways. Each share Creates a new bridge, Creates a new layer of Threading that is to be built upon for HIS Purpose.

    We are Threaded with Intricate Possibility that is to Ever-Arise and BLOOM. Each PIECE of Our Truth and Good that is INSPIRED by HIS Path for us from HIS Word and Truth in what is to set this world NEW…Awashed and Blossoming.

    Maybe this is why I started writing when I was young as I found that place to where I could share the pieces of me that seemed to be brushed under the rug by so many others, the pieces that never seemed to be Heard, Seen, nor Understood by much any other.

    We are to Seek and Dig and Keep LOOKING until we come to find the way OUR Pieces can be best shared and best in fulfilling His Purpose.
    This is why I AM shifting on the FEELING of this Season again, this is why I AM taken all that has been my heartache and my distress for the past few months and laying it all at HIS feet as that is not my work in any way. I AM to find all the parts of me, I AM the ONE to come to SEE and HEAR and UNDERSTAND all the parts of me so as I can walk this path before me all the more in strength and for HIS Glory, all the more Confident with KNOWING Always that with HIM Here, I AM never alone.

    All can be so complicated (like my teens’ minds) but it is always up to us to Choose and Define, to Feel and to Seek and to FIND.

    Despite all any of us have lost over all our lives, it is time we Dip our toes into this river again and be swept up in being THANKFUL for all that HE gave us with THIS MOMENT. It is time for us to take all that the darkness tries to paint in its own way and speckle it with a Glow that can only come from His Name.

    With Love,

  • Flood these Waters

    Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths

    Again, as I do, I started this post days ago to (in the end) not share at all but again, it remained incomplete, and sleep had called…

    Tuning in at this moment, WIthin and Full Of This Moment, my classical playlist…MelodicElixir indeed. Freeing my newly found wounds and letting them be filled, flooded out again, and for My Heart to Beat On In what is My Truth.

    I just want to rest, lay down in the arms that hold me best. I want to dress my scars with a glitz and shine, bring them more fully obvious to the world that denies me at anytime, this strength that rings in me such as that which reigns in each of us from that of HIS Light that Shines on through.

    I want to dance yet, my feet refuse to move just as the whole of my system has come numb to the energy that (within Melody) Is Felt and all Inspiring.
    I have felt the innocence fall and the innocence robbed, taken away for what was thought to become of dark’s own. I have felt the Bright of my lil family lighten and slowly dissipate, with what seems, no way to resucitate.

    Yet, fear not, I do hold, as despite the unraveling around me and the faces of children that had forgotten how to Dream, including my own, a sadness yearns to break in me as paths in I carved out remain Open to all, the paths Jesus laid out remain Free to All, yet, it is always up to us as to if we shall walk them in any way.

    I cannot hold this world on my own, I cannot rush the rivers and start a flow that is to wash all that is of muck from out from the undertow. I have but little strength, though more than I know, to sit here in this space of mine, to be the one constant that my kids know until they do come to Open their Eyes just enough to recognize the Light, HIS Light, that has never left their side and that Flame shall set all the more burning bright as they take the steps to one day go on and continue to live, in full, their life.

    Now on to today…

    Well, here it is, the season of what is deemed Christmas Cheer and Joy and while I very much have felt a certain piece of this all of my years, I do see the now clearly, where this world has gone wrong with it all.

    Yes, I do know that Dec 25th is not the Savior’s true birthdate, as “Dec 25th only began to be celebrated for the birth of Jesus Christ during the 4th century after Christ. Dec 25th was the old pagan holiday celebrating the winter solstice and the birth of the sun god and celebrated when the days began to get longer. In Rome it was the festival called Saturnalia and later the Roman Empire baptized it and began to celebrate it as the birth of Jesus.”

    There are many discussions on which day it His birth is deemed that to have taken place (like the above website I referenced states Sept 11th) but again, it was not stated specifically in the Bible…though there have been many scholars and such that have tried to pinpoint the actual day.

    I Do Believe that this day that we have been taught to celebrate for all the years of our lives is in fact NOT the day Christ came about as I personally have never truly felt nor Believed it was as it was very apparrent that the day was merely an excuse for so many to raid stores and spill out all of their money.

    Harsh it may sound, but no…when we FEEL compelled to Celebrate that which is of TRUTH, HIS Truth, we will not have any desire to play into the ways of what has been Pagaen ideas.

    I have a hard time as I will admit that I did purchase my kids and some family gifts during this time, but I did so after much Prayer and inner work to Connect more Fully to what was HIS answer in it all as to what I should do.

    I cannot say that I Am right in this way or any of my ways, but there remains a Softness in and of me that has not dissipated and I AM still in that Peace that I long sought and can Fully Grasp during this time, so I Trust that I AM on the right path.

    I have caught onto and have been Poured on from what is of this Holiday Spirit but from those who you just knew were of His Light, of His Message through Light and Love. It is those people that I wish to run with in what is truly a spirit if LOVE, not the spirit that is of draining all that we hold precious and swaying us away from the true meaning of what is said to be this holiday time.

    Now…in my own life, I have come to Believe that while I honor and accept Jesus as My Savior and I keep my lamp lit and my flame burning for Him, it is through LOVE that I can come through this time in a way that remains celebration of the LORD…not these worldy things.

    My parents are almost here in that they are traveling for the holiday. I will say that this one of my mom’s favorite times of the year and while she typically spends much and gifts more than plenty (much less than she used to thankfully) she more-so adores the time she gets to spend with all of her kids just as my dad.

    While my parents have their Beliefs in the LORD from which they still have not shared much with me, I have seen the LORD come through for them in many ways that truly seemed impossible in all ways and I Believe this is so because they Believe Deeper than they say and show us all.

    This in no way means that this right as based on the Bible’s teachings, there is much we must adhere to and not hold apart in any way. We are to abide by His commandments just as we are to remain in fear of all that He can bring but also to not be fooled by all that is worldy as in having His Armour placed, we have no fear of the ways of this world. I will say, for many, the past few years have shown us just how much fear people hold of this realm and just how much many can be swayed from keeping strong their Faith in His Ways and fearing only the LORD, the One and Only, Almighty LORD, Father God.

    I go back and forth still on what I want and this is wrong. While I want to be Guided to and Allowed a place in HIS Kingdom, I have wanted to blas tthrough all that is of the dark here and Flood this terrain with the Presence of Him in every way. I have wanted to wash this realm clean enough that my kids are able to go out and build what is deemed impossible and live their Dreams as in this realm it is not always so easy a thing to do.

    The challenge that is this life has been a devastating blow to me but all the more, a Spark that in a way lit a fire under me. The crap of this world is what can be the perfect mix to push us to SEEKING HIM and wanting better, not just for ourself but also for all.

    His LIGHT Never leaves us and the more we are broken down and broken open, the more we can come to realize that He has remained with us all along and that we are never separate from His Grace until the moment we choose to rid it all by selling that which is our most perfect and Beautiful soul.

    We are not weak! We are not without nor having to suffer every step of our way. IF we turn in and SEEK Him Out, we come to find Him and we come to know that which is OUR Light and not only ours but HIS Truth, and we BLEED it on out into the world to flush all the shi* out.

    The more I come to HIM, the more I have been and CONTINUE to Be Blessed by that which is HIS HAND. The more I write out the Flow that Seeds up in me, Sparked, Fire, Flame… the more I come to KNOW His Dream for me. The more I come to dance and sing, lift my Spirit and Praise all that IS HE, the more there is an ever-opening of a river that flourishes Within Me, leading me to Knowledge, leading me to KNOW all that He wants me to come to know and Truly See as He Opens Greater that book of HIS alone for ME.

    I AM pulled in and led to the waters I AM and from there my head is lowered and into the Stream of Everlasting Dream I Become. I AM pulled by His hand alone to the path that I have Seeked and always hoped to know, a path of Bliss and Happy Being and HOME, a path of KNOWING and Devouring all that I AM to come to know of HIS Truth and all that is this damn clown show…this world and the sickness that has attempted to drown us out yet, from the focrce that is only set upon destruction and taking us down, down, down.

    I AM pulled into a Dream, a Dream Within HIS Dream, that FREES Me and Seeds Me with the Eternity of Softness Glow, Within the Eternity of all that I AM to become from my place of fallen knees.

    Look up to the skies and there are signs that shall be. Look up to His face, all that are Heavenly Sighs, and come to Embrace His Hand as it is YOU that He For Always Guides.

    Time to end the trail of un-requitted Love towards His name, time to measure up to the Possibility of all that we Truly came to Become, Heavenly, and of Pure Delight, Warriors of all that is of the LIGHT.

    We are to find that creek in us that FLOWS the knowing that we have longed for, we are to allow it to sweep its way through us and rid us of all that is and has been impurity, as Deeply it is a main component of Our Purpose, His Purpose for us, to stand tall and strong and with a LIGHT that fends off all the beasts of this dreary place, to Focus on Him and all that is the LOVE that flows through as the Breath of all that is our veins, every crevasce, every piece that has been intricately stitched up and sewn through the Greates Love that we are to ever come to Know, the Love of The LORD.

    Oh, HAPPY DAY, Break the dam already, let this river become you!

  • PoeVibes

    Just a quick poem that came to me (on my trip to the grocery store) to share. $80 for barely 2 small bags of groceries. Ha! What a time this is.

    Collide, I say
    these words that swell on up
    Fall from my mouth
    My tongue
    Salivating Flow
    Always to Become

    I do say as well
    Expose Your Heart
    Open, broken ribs
    and bones
    Open to Vulnerability
    Fall into the Flow

    Open Heart
    Chest Torn
    Lit on Open
    Fire and Breath
    FEEL the Burn
    Scorching Out
    as together we walk through this dark

    Never to be closed again
    Open Heart Adored
    Voice now extending from you
    Calling For
    Allowing In
    His Grace
    His loving arms
    God in all His forms

    Set Free the Wave. Focus HIGH, Focus Brave.

    With Love,