I am tired again and not editing, just to get this up for now. Brace this read if you will. Enjoy*
So, today I AM inspired again and ready to bleed upon this page and flow.
Into the ether I go, unraveling all that has entangled me and left me locked prisoner within a dark and solemn cave.
Today I have been pulled into the melodic flow of “Chvrches and Robert Smith’s, How Not to Drown.”
Now, just as anything and everything in this life including the current state of the world and the internal and outer realm in which you live, we must realize that all is a malleable piece of clay from which YOU form into whatever it is you desire and according to the grantor, to desire is to think of, FEEL of, especially in any repetitive way or when one feels resistance to any such thing.
Each good and bad thought sparks within us an emotional reaction, even in the moments we feel nothing which in turn signals out to the grantor what is wanted, as all FELT is signaled as a want despite us FEELING otherwise.
Even in the moments we pray, we should be rejoicing in the fact that one has healed or we have received what we wanted as this typically brings about the reality without focusing on the lack of, though again, there is always God’s plan and timing to which we our life works according to which again we agreed to but do not recall.
When we live a world distracted and hopeless, we are easily caught in the flow of what darkness seeks for us (darkness is in control of all we receive at this point) and in that we follow in line, no longer taking the lead in our life nor forming the better path to happy and fulfilling days.
The longer and deeper one entertains darkness, they slowly become numb and on to empty of all the light they truly are.This is why depression and such make us FEEL so alone and empty because they align with the frequencies that are and the more we move away from who we truly are, we will FEEL all that is not LOVE in any way.
Dark wants just this, you to FEEL empty and without as then you are easy prey. You to FEEL lost and confused and never knowing that it is your light that had been extracted and burned as fuel by them and used UNTIL YOU, Yes You, put the wall up, the wedge in their plan, so as the power can be returned back to you in line with the creator, Your Loving, Creative, and Rising Above Flow, where all things we desire are effortless.
We all place our own meanings upon all things and in finding the things that light a little more meaning for you in your life, I just want to share how this song specifically sparks me up and ignites my own flow.
This in no way suggests this is your meaning nor the artists, but only that of my own. To allow a reflection and comparison on how there is a slight similarity between mine and the actual artists but still a distinct difference, here is what is posted on Genius as to the meaning of the song, at least the time from which it was written.:
We shall start with the Lyrics but if you scroll to bottom of the linked page, you will see Lauren discuss her meaning of the song.:
So…now to my own personal interpretation as I resonate very deeply with this song.
My life in general has been a book within myself that I continue to write on how not to drown. I go back in the moments all too deep which seem to try and suffocate me and I am reminded and learn again. Sometimes I build upon what I have already learned and rise further and in those moments, I add more to my book.
This book is rather personal to me and while I could write something and surely make money from it, my intention is more to help the world heal itself in ways that are my own. There is no need for a “crown” as to what I write to guide my own life, nor is there ever a need for a crown when wanting to help any other. My heart is pure and without wanting any such adoration, any such fame, any sort of recognition in any way. This book is just a piece of me that allows me to remember Who I Truly Am and how I Rise again every time.
We each have our own book internally with pages filled and blanks awaiting our hearts to inscribe upon.
In many moments within writing I am either full of desire or fully burnt out. I arise when I am ready, willing, and able to, not otherwise. In my other moments, I do find myself full of magnificent flow (creative insights) but during these times I do nothing more but push everything down to keep it hidden as best as I can, merely in scripting upon those pages without a sound even though my resistance is pulling me down.
I have this thing that I own my own pain and do not want any other to be affected by my resistance to my good I suppose. Sure people can hurt you and f* with your life but I try my best to not give away the control I have found by owning my part in everything. I want to be able to embrace my dark at times but to share such is to feed it (in my own opinion) that much more. To share it is to place my darkness into any other’s hands and that is where it can get out of control I FEEL. Mold-able it all is even by the minds unknowingly living their own lives.
I do believe in sharing even our dark and down times but I have this deep desire to consistently prove to myself that I can come back to the surface without needing help of any other. I had to pull my self through close to 20 years ago so I will keep on I suppose. May be in part to having to do much on my own, an attachment issue in part maybe, but truly I LOVE witnessing myself not succumb fully ever to the pull my dark may have on me.
I LOVE being aware of it all in every moment and just knowing I can choose to allow it in for a moment or to stay at any time and to also have the power to send it on its way when I FEEL done. Darkness is like a Narcissist, always wanting the attention in one’s light but never wanting the blame or attention of anything that they start or stir wrong.
I Win and I will keep on winning. I have to Believe. There are no other choices for me. I survived and I have my kids. I have no choices as to if I allow myself to fully drown or not anymore. Even though I do not fully remember any agreements made to return here, I very much FEEL that never allowing myself to Fall again was one of them.
If I drown fully, my purpose is defeated and I fail myself, my kids, this world, and God so I keep on trying as best as I can.
I would much rather share the GOOD and My Light here but I will touch on darker things at times. Darkness needs not no more attention nor fame as it has played out its allotted time these past years don’t ya think?
The purpose I am driven towards fulfills a much better message and well, ignite such in others to rise as well. We can share of course that we have struggled but to take another’s hand and their layers and bring such to dance upon the universal floor of creation without knowing one’s way out, can lead to being lost for al eternity. We ARE HERE to Find Our Way and Forever Echo this pato to all who walk this existence, infinitely.
I gave my power away a long time ago to my dark as it continued to pull me down and was saved by what is My Light, By God. Like I said, I am not religious nor am I one who sits around talking about such all day and no offense to those who FEEL compelled to do-so. We each have a purpose and shall fulfill it in the way we are called and listen.
I may share a tidbit when the time calls for it as it feels right, but outside this I AM Living my life as best as I can and doing my best to enjoy what moments I have even though again I am in a process of change once again. I AM not as happy as I could be I admit. I AM not in the place in my life where I had DREAMED, but My Path long ago shifted in the most dramatic way and set about a new and Heart opening path that I needed and all else will come in perfect time. In my own personal experience, I FEEL our path shifts to help us connect more to God, to find Jesus in our heart of hearts and KNOW that we are sacred and saved, but remember, this is my own experience. You either FEEL this or in time may or may not come to find the same.
We here are in a constant state of change, good and bad, light and dark. We have many areas where we can choose and where we can also create as per our belief but it can be a very hard process for many when faced with such sorrow and dark tides in their life but it is never impossible.
To be honest, I FEEL like I am drowning most days and I have for a very long time. But remember, I HAVE NO CHOICE in it anymore, but to FEEL it and from there I can shift myself out of it. It is far from fun and it sucks ass but the amazing FEELING of that first breath time and time again each time my head rises above the water, profound.
Each time though I find myself going into panic mode and ready to overthink but thankfully since my injury I have been blessed with the ability to move past the lingering and days long repetition but I can hyper-focus at times and get swept up so I do still have to be conscious of what I AM FEELING at all times as the dark waits to pull me down just as in this song.
“I wasn’t scared when he caught me, look what it taught me
Tell me how
It’s better if I make no sound
I will never escape these doubts
I wasn’t dead when they found me, watch as they pull me down”
I was not scared at all in the moments leading up to my injury, my death. I clearly remember living kind of recklessly prior actually, actually yearning to die. I do believe we kind of tune out before such shifts from life to death and I had. I had teased the dark too long and allowed it in fully and it spun its web but even then, I felt nothing, as I had become fully numb.
We get confused and tricked here in this reality as to die is not empty, without love, nor alone. To Live is to find our voice like I had and use it. In whatever way we can create or help, we use our light, we use our voice and we signal out or choosing of God.
The moment we grow silent, our hearts go numb, and we succumb to the wave of darkness and drown but without seeing the path towards the light. We must speak out and call out the darkness in its attempts as in that we are choosing our light, life.
WE call out by going deep into the realms of what ignites our fire, ignites harmony within our soul and SHARE in some way. The more we love, the more we save and heal and LIVE all the while carving our beauty after beauty within the story that is us, that is this life.
But again, LIFE is not far off from what many deem Heaven, we just have to Create it. I FEEL maybe we are here being tested in a way to learn to CREATE what is GOOD and Pure and Love despite the dark that follows all around. The more light, the less dark and this is our purpose as a whole. We may be individuals here but that is the illusion as well, as we are all connected in the ways we cannot see. We are all part of the heart that is Jesus and He has the power to Heal through HIS Belief.
We Must Believe in all that Is Good and It Can and Will Be. To Drown is to Deny your call and to attempt to silent the strumming of your heart. We are led daily by our greater good but to ignore it is to make our own call out to that which is darkness and our end all.
The fork in our attempts to follow our passion, our purpose, our calling, is the pulling us down, is the attempts to drown us by the hand that is darkness. This darkness is our own and it can be easy to FEEL comforted and heard and seen and acknowledged but it is the “greatest trick the devil ever pulled” and continues to pull.
As part of my wanting to drown long ago, I would further support this by drinking hard alcohol much of my days and popping pills I had stolen from my dad’s medicine cabinet.
At one point, I had dated a guy very short term and attempted to overdose all the while laying next to him in bed. I traumatized this poor guy and I still FEEL bad about such as he did care what happened to me but I, at the time, could have cared less about anything especially myself. I have hurt a lot of people by hurting myself in my past but I was too far under the water to even notice, to even FEEL it.
All we do that is wreckless against ourselves and all the harm we do to others is merely a cry out to be saved even when we have no clue that we desire such. This is our truest self calling out for us in these moments. We may not think we are calling for help and FEEL like we can handle it on our own but we cannot and our greater within knows this.
A huge portion of this life is suffering. It sucks, but this test is deeply a test of ourselves that we are strong enough and knowing enough to choose between our light and dark. It can sound sick, but when you know what is at stake, it makes perfect sense. All of our existence is dependent on each of us choosing to sever the hold darkness takes upon us.
I Am glad that I chose My Light and found my way back again. I hope all of us can and do, even in the midst of all that has been fear rising and loss bringing.
We all will rise above all of this. I believe this. Tell me you can too.
So, how not to drown is to FEEL and to LISTEN. Build yourself up as often and as deeply as you can and keep your sights on something, anything, that sparks any light in you. My way is through listening to music that can be both sad and uplifting and writing just as I have here. Spending time with my kids is most awesome as well but that comes with teenage emotionals (HA!), so car rides with my tunes is best. My teens, like me, are deep thinkers and our views are not always aligned but it is amazing to watch them grown and learn to CHOOSE their best.
I want to force their choosing at times but I pull myself back as that is their own doing to decide, this is their life too. We all have a moment where we almost drown to what darkness brings into our lives but to rise above is such the accomplishment and elixir to all that could come after.
To break free of needing any other to understand or agree with you is intoxicating-ly freeing as well.
Sometimes we rise only to fall again and again but we must teach ourselves, we must remember to FIND THE BEAUTY IN IT ALL. EVEN THE FALL. EVEN the moment of being pulled down as we have the chance to shift our focus and LOVE deeper.
How can you find beauty in death? How can you find beauty in loss?
You find such in the ways that are memories and moments shared. You find such through witnessing and acknowledging how such has been a part of your life and how something, anything, grasped your hand and pulled you back out from your darkest moments again. You find such in syncing your heart beats without resisting the flood of FEELING. You find it through smiles shared and creative flow sparked and built upon. You find it by KNOWING that this Life destination is merely a pit stop to great wonder to come but this moment is a moment to LIVE and Be.
When you come to this place of knowing, you will FEEL and KNOW those who are said to be gone, you will FEEL and know that you have every opportunity to not just open the door to this other side but that we have every opportunity to create Heaven on Earth Here and Now.
Just Feel. That is All.
Love, again and again and again,
PS. Last thought: It is each moment that we can find reasons to rise and in doing-so, we will. There is no pulling any of us down as long as we keep giving ourselves one thing, just one thing to rise for. Reason=Oxygen.
Do Reach Out is You Need To. I AM Here.