Soon, I hope to be INSPIRED again and writing without much effort and at length. I await the day I soon take the wheel back of what is my life and CREATE BEAUTY.
Sure…A LOT seems to be going on throughout the world but I have my beliefs about it all but at this time, we will just leave it at that.
As for each and every one of us…there is no time for pause, no time for allowing our selves to become paralyzed and sink into the abyss called fear.
I DO very much believe that we do attract to and CREATE much that is our lives still. I do see how my current situation came to be in many ways and in that power has been gained as well, I OWN my part.
It has been a rough ride for me for a very long time and while the light of the world remains quite dim at the moment, I KNOW that I still have the ability and responsibility to strike the match to flicker the spark in creating the flame and I AM standing strong to do-so.
Truthfully, I AM standing strong as of TODAY. HAHA.
Honestly though, I move in Friday. A lot of fear crept up on me the past couple days as well, change can be scary, not having my kids with me for the past couple weeks has added to my uneasiness, and also FEELING very much like I was literally on my last allowed time in this life was quite depressing as though I admit that I have and do at crave the BLISS that is after so-called death, I am quite attached to remaining by my kids to help them through in this life or wherever.
I get a FEELING that they like having me as well, more-so since we have had to endure some separation and what was the unknown again in our lives.
Well, stress is never a good thing for me as it truly brings out the worst of my continued symptoms from my injury. My memory turns to shit for the most part and my anxiety starts to go through the roof, my sleep suffers more, etc, etc.
Now add on top of this, the leg problem I have had and no true success on finding the cause. Anxiety x’s 10 which in turn only increases every other symptom by the same.
My creative ability takes a nose dive, my desire to connect disappears completely and I honestly go back to stage one of my healing process; the year after I returned home.
My fears start to transcend all else and all I want to do is sleep as being awake is just too much to bare. Darkness had taken its grip of me and I begin the process of surrendering…giving up.
I absolutely used to love FEELING the numbness, FEELING the whole that was life turn completely off and me just BEING as it felt ok enough. Well, now, I have my kids and they deserve me only at my best which is fully present in any way I can be, even if I AM not perfect, even if I have not been able to do and keep all the things I FEEL they have wanted from me.
So…this past week, darkness held tight and it was a fight, oh yes, it was a fight…but then I lost strength, I lost the will to fight despite all else, and yes, I was ready for my demise, I was ready to give up.
Then today, I woke FEELING worse then I have and honestly as though this was my last moment. I called the new landlord, I confirmed our appointment tomorrow to sign papers, and I called the housing assistance place to confirm their part in bringing all of this to light. I guess in the moments of those 2 phone calls, I got a slight dose of hope again and my memory turned on just a bit more and I remembered I was told I was probably dehydrated.
I remembered being sick and being very dehydrated with what I think was Omni…and I went to pick myself up some electrolytes. Well, would you guess that the throbbing I had believed so badly was a blood clot actually subsided within 30 minutes after my first dose? After finishing the bottle, a couple hours later, there is still some sensitivity and a slight throb here and there, but all seems to be resolving itself.
This can be the mind of an over-thinker, this can be the mind of an previously injured brain when not kept in check. This can be the mind of any of us who get swept up in what if’s and such and FEAR of all that is the unknown and as for me, I think I AM finally breaking free again.
And you know…just to add here, I started to pray again and here I AM breaking FREE again. I had given up this past week for the most part and started full out just yesterday and HERE I AM.
We All can Break Free. We Are.
Much is the Love that I FEEL,