Awake today and while my head is FEELING better than it had, the pressure is still present, and ache has but returned and not again fully dissipated.
Despite the pressure, I FEEL a Rise in Hope in Me. I FEEL a reason and more than one, to Be Thankful for today, for waking and Breathing with ease and with My Heart still throbbing Beat after Beat the Melody that is indeed My Life, Me.
I Am piecing this together as 2 things.
1. I have yet to get my results of my EEG test which is odd, so I called to only be told I will get a return call from my dr which never came today. Speaking of calls, my sis called me today to check in on me over the results but I had nothing to tell her.
- I Believe, I very much do, know that this pain is my body and maybe even God’s way of giving me that push I need again to well…MOVE. Well, to start taking the steps to look more deeper into moving closer towards my sister and the fam.
Even in writing just the above, pressure released some.
Now again, hours later…as life was calling, now sitting here winding down and well, readying for rest but filling my soul with a wonderful memory.
Inspired by the song Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Recalling the days as a pre-teen roller skating and on my back patio to this song and Creating dance routines which never came to truly be anything outside the many files of Blissful Moments filed away in this mind.
The Softness, the Innocence of Youth, My Youth. To Sing and Dance without a care in the world outside right where I was in the Moment FEELING it all in, letting it pour.
Days before any focus outside my parents and my family at home became any part of my mind that started to pull me away from the safety and the love that was home. Well, until the moment that my dad had his first heart attack and ended up rushed to the hospital to have triple bypass surgey. That is the moment that reality started to set in for me. The moment that My Hero, My Dad, who I saw as the strongest man in my life collapse and well, become vulnerable to the forces that can be life.
Life had not been perfect in any way up to this moment but nothing had shaken me and my family so deeply that we all were changed in that moment forever. Such is the traumas of this world, with only one intention to instill what truly is fear and in many ways, separation, loss.
In coming to a realization that not even our parents, who we have seen as the epitomes of strength and resilience, as our guidance and our doorway to who we think and know we are as our own selves, it is truly a hard pill to swallow.
Anyways, turning that song off for now. Feeling too much of that tune for now. Stirring up memories that I AM not in the mood to entertain.
Now on to Linger by The Cranberries which moves forward to my teen years. Definitely melodic and with the voice of Dolores O’Riordan is truly some magic that breaks through to the greatest depths that a person can hold.
Linger…yes, memories, life itself, words, actions, moments, dreams whether gained or lost…love, the allowing oneself to be vulnerable and open and without any barriars or walls to break on through for any and all to see the real truth, the real story of who one has been, becoming, and IS.
A little off focus tonight I Am noticing but I think it is time for me to again Open the Floodgates, Rain Down, and Pour.
There is a space in Me that sings and calls and nudges me on to Breathe and take my Heart and Dive on deep and Return to the surface and share with the world the Light again that I saw, Recalled. To share with the world the Wonder of such magnificent rays of shimmering Light that held me close and kept me warm even as I crossed the winters frost that chilled my bones and almost brought me to my knees to Freeze and remain paralyzed to Life that was still singing on out for me.
I was led to dance with a single hand MBracing my own and spinning me round in song, a hand that grasped mine so gently and lovingly that My Heart only beat on into the next and another beat, flowing a rush of blood on through my head and on through My Heart, with Oxygen Dispersed throughout my core and my Ignited Lit a Fire Soul.
Sparks flew and LIFE grew and grew in the Fresh Breaths offered to me, such as flowing in me Poetry with no start and never an end, A Wondrous and New Becoming Me. A spark that felt as though the Deepest Love was holding me close in arms and never parting with me in any way, a Love that would keep me company for the remainder of my days in this body and all throughout the continuance of me all across this universe.
Written across my human skin such as tattoos invisible ink revealed, word after word, melodic in flow and tune, love etched stories of Days i Rise and by Power through Him, I SIng Willingly again as In My Belief I have found my greatest Friend.
I see the connection here in when I feel my head swell up and pressure sets on in, I see the connection form inside of me when I take on too much and worry becomes a silent and growing chime. I see the connection when I allow myself to yearn for anything in this earthly realm, when I seek anything that is to love me in return and in truth stand nearest my side in this realm that is so much without the Deep Love that I came to remember on that One Night. The Love that I know is only possible in a place etched with the Bright that is Heaven and His Most Loving Hand.
To Erase my past and to Allow My Now to Just Be, to Allow My Future to come on in on its own dancing towards me, taking and grasping my hand with no effort oy own to seek anything ourisde of Him in any way, as I AM home and I AM Loved and anything and everything that shows up in my life from this moment will be Blessed and of His spirit Perfect for Me, This Life, and all that Beauty has awaiting my familyin all ways.
So…My head was tense most of the day and I did not notice neighbors smoking but there was a police incident which I AM clueless as to what happened (wrapped in my own space baking with the kids), but a few officers showed up here at the complex and some of the neighbors appeared to be the focus of such attention. Not unusual I know as well, Life happens. Gave me another excuse to just remain indoors today and enjoy the kids and our cooler and this allowed me to focus on the Zoom meet I had today for my kids with VMRC which thankfully went smooth as well.
My daughter at one point found it hilarious (after I told her to mind her business and not be a lookie lou) by taking her cat with her to the wide open front window and peering out to well, “not be alookie lou” in her own words, but to allow the cat some good ole fresh air and change of scenery from the apartment. You know, only when there is police activity outside. 😉
I know my thoughts are scattered as of late but I will find my way again. Soon enough I AM sure, but for now, this is just me documenting some days when I FEEL I will and again showing whoever may read this that my life has never been easy but Break My Spirit it will not.
Love, that IS ALL,