Poem from the past stash:
Beautiful she is as she reaches out to stars, glitter shaken and threaded within that heart of hers…magnificent wonder she beams as life unfolds, all that she dreams, now, all that she holds.
Those moments when you realize you may have benefitted by taking some sort of debate class is when you begin a certain deep kind of dialogue with my son in an attempt to try and pull him into my way of thinking…Believing. Ha!
So much fun yet, so very exhausting at the same time. It had been over an hour now since we ended our discussion and my brain, now after 2 hours, is still on standby, literally. I guess I know what it is to talk to me as well, as we are similar with our holding strong to our Beliefs outside him having that stubborness of his father in him as well.
So, I AM trying to shake my mind out of remaining partially paralyzed by focusing here for a bit and writing…at least I hope it helps.
I went into my son’s room and was hoping to just spend some time and start a small conversation on God and the Bible as you know, scattering some seeds around and such, and I guess I forgot who I was talking to. You can bring him a fully grown and bloomed up garden and he will be the one who points out each and every discolored flower and weed and criticize the way one about growing such in the first place as he knows a better way…well, at least with me anyways.
My son, just like me, has explored all and everything (or as we tend to Believe) of this life within the confines of his mind as he overthinks all things and researches and reads and digs and digs as he has a desire to know the ins and outs of everything. Well, more-so than even I actually in other areas.
My son is like a treasure chest full of so many things you never even thought to search for in the first place…another reason as to why school is boring and pointless in his mind as he has not found that piece outside what he himself has learned on his own that compells him to want to adventure within his mind of seeking and finding.
The problem is that he and I never truly reach a place of agreement in our discussions (if you can call that a problem) until (sometimes) one has a period to think alone and outside the conversation or just like today, I remind him that while he and I share a lot that is similar, we remain very different and will never fully understand one another to the point the other feels FULLY HEARD and understood so we only can talk and share and come to that place where we can just agree to disagree.
In talking with him today, I found that my argument (if I were to have one) would indeed seem very weak as well, I AM not a debator (my son was born one), I AM not a fighter in the ways some would say I should be either…never was. With me also having this mind that tends to get overwhelmed with information and flooded to a place of full out shutdown when all too much is pouring in, debates are not my thing.
And…with my Belief system mostly based on what I learned in my traumatic injury and with FEELING and what I deem as KNOWING from that expereince, I know many would call bs just as my son in many ways does. He wants concrete proof not that Blind Faith as it is called as his mind is more scientifc and based on logic.
Just as I shared with my son today, I may throw seeds around at times and try to stir conversations with him as well as his sister, but I love to get the gears of their minds working and for their voices to express what had been Inspired from such whether they agree or not. I just want to hear and know them in their moment of sharing with me.
The conversation was a lot to handle for me as I fell tired very fast (since injury I have also had a habit of yawning repeatedly when others are talking to me) and he carried on for close to an hour and a half from my one comment on into conspiracy theorist and government and space, etc, etc, etc.
I LOVE being his sound board when he opens his door to such but when he does, his floodgates open and the waves crash on in each and every time but not in an emotional way, just a very full of passion and no swaying me any other way type of force. Actually both of my kids are much the same in this with what they are passionate about.
My son though is an old soul as I always was and he does seem to know most of everything when you get into discussions with him, sometimes so much-so you wonder how in the heck he came to even learn of such a thing as you know it was not through schooling of any sort.
Now anyways, onto another topic, when I went to go pick my daughter up today, I was deeply dissapointed as my car did not get the free wash I was hoping for nor did I get to enjoy the drizzle among the rays along my trip. The tradeoff though was a very spectacular sky that was full of clear blue, the natural and right kind of blue and all shapes and colors…so many shades and hues of grays and blues and glow that still covered the majority. No sprinkles came down until I was a block away from home of course and that was about all that fell so far today.
After I had picked my daugter up from her dad’s I had to stop at Subway (that is HER place) as the girl had to eat and we sat in our car in a nearby parking lot (like we used to a lot when she was small) to just enjoy the moment, take in the view of the sky and nourish our bellies if you can say that for Subway. I notice just as I had before a few others in the same lot eating or just sitting in their cars alone and doing whatever in that moment they were.
I recalled myself prior to moving here and for (who knows how long as I cannot recall) even taking drives and setting in a specific parking lot in a nearby town. This parking lot is where my first job was. Much different now since the company went out of business but the building remains.
I suppose my moments in this parking lot take me back to a time when life was simple as I was still living at home and while I had my moments, mom and dad handled much of the waves that came crashing through our lives. I was young and was BECOMING what was to be an adult, a woman who had a future and what had been and seemed to be much more fun and love and joy upon my pathway.
I would sit in that parking lot refelecting on the memories that I felt had remained and also would FEEL the joy in them. It was in this so-called reality, my escape I guess one could call it, I realized these moments made my car quite the creative incubator at the as I would just write and write as it came so easy.
I noticed I had did the same thing when coming to the end of what had been my marriage with my kids but a different town and different parking lots and play parks as well…just a space that allowed the kids and I to Be Free for a moment from all that was the heaviness of what (at that time) was our home and a relationship that was truly falling apart with no pathway in agreement for repair.
I have never been one to people look but I AM truly intrigued by those sitting in parking lots alone or in any other area really. I would even drive to an old town with a covered bridge lined with a path of blossoms of orange and just FEEL as I learned to grasp more and more of the memories of who I had been. As though there was answers to everything somewhere in there for me as My Answer is Here and Now each and every moment as I continue on.
Today though, outside sharing the moment with my daughter, I have given up my moments in parking lots and near covered bridges as well, I have come to learn that just as all else had moved forward and let go of who I once was, I have no reason to recall fully that girl nor do I have any reason to go back and remember every little detail of her/my life/past as what matters again is THIS HERE and NOW.
This was another aspect of my talk with my son with him speaking much as I had that Here and Now is what matters. No negative nor good will change This Moment as it is what We Make It and that is in how we choose to focus, how we choose to Love and Believe.
This is how I tried to again win what he made a debate and add in that this is how God and My Bible has helped me as it has given me that foundation to where I can now fully stand without needing any other support. His Word has become the foundation and the answer to all I need to know so I no longer yearn to go and sit in parking lots nor places of my past to attempt to try and find what I was made to Believe was lost.
If we are called to Deny the Self, All that we are here, we are also called to bury all that we thought or any other felt we were from our past as truly we are not.As it is said, the only constant is change, right?
We all seek that “why” for each and everything that takes place here. We all want to know why things worked out in the way they had or why what had been our greatest dream or focused destination got derailed when we thought we were so close or when all dots seemed to connect.
There are not answers for everything Within Our Moment. And This Is Ok. There are reasons beyound our ability to know here as we can only see so far ahead. We cannot see the full path before us which includes all wrong and best for us turns, etc, nor would we even benefit if we did as in being human, we would sabotage such in some way anyhow or rewrite the entire path altogether as we would not be satisfied anyhow with how it was planned in the first place.
We want to own our path even if it includes going off a cliffside or two, especially when we are able to bounce back as it builds up our own Belief in not only our own ability but as I see it, the miracle that Is Life.
Some of the greatest parts of life is the surprise. The not knowing of what is to come though at times it can be a huge stressor. Like right now, many are excited that the rapture is to come in mere days (like many times in the past as well) while others are fearing such. Many others are calling bs, and people like my son again reminds us all that no matter, we are to Live and embrace this moment in our best as much as we can. In each moment, we are to bring our best to the table.
In my own way, I Am not so much saying the rapture is going to take place as many are calling it and as it is written but I know there is a huge shift to an everlasting change in the positive that is to take place soon. My own opinion but we shall see or not. A lot of negative has taken place and more has grown and so it is time for balance and that calls for positive and Light and while I hope we are the generation to witness His Great Return, we are to Live Our Moment no matter. That ultimately would be the tipping point to balance in full indeed.
In some ways it can be the most fulfilling which are the challenges that we come to endure and face as when we get through we learn all the more of ourself, our strength, and our ability to thrive…especially IF (and I do say IF) we have that focus on something that is greater in meaning than we ourselves. Something that Inspires us to Greater. For me, that IS GOD and within this Here and Now….my kids as well.
We learn that we are not easily broken glass. We learn that we can, (despite what seems the many weaknesses of this human body) Within our Spirit we surpass all else and Allow the Spirit to aid us in Rising again and again and facing head on the path before us that may have seemed to try to take us out and defeat us entirely.
There are so many pieces to this construct called life and this world that should open all minds to full possibility of any and everything as being possible and I wish all have the Moment where they are able to come to that place of knowing.
Rambling on and losing my place again.