Drawn to melancholy tones, I Am told to come here and unfold
To Open and Pour
Display this Heart
Trying to Break
Flooding on Out
I Believe and I want to Trust in all things
As through My LORD
My Faith in Him
but I admit that I struggle
When it comes to those closest to me
I want to HOLD
not Let Go
Wrap them up and pave their path from my own hands
but that power is not my own
so I remember to Just Pray
My Heart seems to lose hold and collapse
In Moments that sneak up on me
the Great Unknown
Leaving me short of breath
I just want to Rise and Flood Out these tears
Dump and Pour
Release this world of uncertainity
dark and hurt
So…I spoke to my mother today. Turns out she just had a mamogram and it was flagged as abnormal so she had to go in for another the next day and thankfully it was proven the 1st scan read wrong due to old tissue or something on that matter though her tears were Pouring on down.
Then she goes on to tell me that my dad has been scheduled for another angiogram on the 8th as his latest treadmill test showed some irregularities as well and my dad had been having some questionable pains. This time they wil be going through his wrist to his Heart rather than his thigh so it will be less invasive.
During this part of the conversation my mom shed no tears as my mom (for my dad) went into her solider till mission accomplished mode.
IF they find anything, more stents it may be, and if not, he will return home not long after.
This time, I cannot jump in my car and take the trip to be close to my mom as she waits when my dad is taken back, (as again, we as a family have always been together for such procedures) which has left me Feeling the sad vibes.
Another deep test of My Faith.
I trust in the LORD of course but again, these procedures are always stressful and of course risky. I just have to keep reminding myself that he may be The Stent Man but he is still not the holder to the guiness book of world records for most stents with still a ways to go so that is a positive, right?
God’s plan, I know.
With the way the world is, with my parents having moved out of state about 3 years ago and my mom struggling with the distance (as she thrives with being social and having family close by), and of course I will repeat, the distance again for all of us truly.
My family imperfect in all ways, quite a mess in many ways, but we have always stuck by one another and made it through. Of course, a lot changed after my injury and my push back during my healing and finding me as who I AM Now (may have always been, honestly) and walking my new path, we have had many hard times and much distance than we ever had prior…but again, I was becoming a true adult so I Am sure distance may had became a thing anyways especially with the way I struggled at home.
Nothing good somes the runner as I was as in running from all problems and honestly just myself.
Many times in my youth were not right and many more after I returned home after TBI. There has been a Long and Hard adjustment period for all of us and in many ways, it was distance that truly helped us as honestly, it always had. Distance makes the Heart grow fonder it is said.
I guess that is why I felt so determined to keep what has been a pretty good sized cushion between my parents and my siblings and well, focus here on my own lil family. I had to have such to not only raise my kids as I have for what I FEEL is to come for them but to also Heal in the ways God called me to.
Now, with my dad, I have not had any dreams that typically come up when things are bound to go wrong so that to me is a good sign. I have not had any ill Feelings and such, and to me that is huge as my dad and I are very connected in those Feelings since my injury both having gone through NDE’s.
This is still not proof that all will turn the way that I Pray for and that my mom will be going home with my dad that same day or the next. I honestly think that this moment in time is picking at me as well, many have and are returning Home but again I remind myself that there is no reason to fret over what is out of my control and my full knowing.
I used to Believe in positive thinking and saw much results from such but again short lived and disconnected from God who is really in control, so I do as I have which has worked and I write and I find that calm and softness in me and I Bring Light to it all.
I think too that I AM just picking up on what my mom is Feeling as of course she is worried but she (even with tears pouring) puts on her best game face. My mom again is the one who holds her shi* together until she knows all is alright then she breaks. Thankfully I Believe very much that I have gained similar ability from her as well as her Faith in The LORD.
My mom does hold Focus and Full Belief that the LORD will bring my dad out of this procedure fine as well, so her Focus remains where it always had with the proof she always received in return as in His Answer.
Now, my parents may not have taught us all about God and made sure we attended church and read our Bibles, but despite their silence on the Truth that IS, my mom has held a Faith and Trust In HIM that is honestly beyond what many could fathom after the sick and horrific childhood she lived.
It has been my mom’s hold to Her Faith that has gotten us all through our hardships though at other moments and for our family. I do think much of Her Belief stemmed from Witnessing God working His Hand in not just our lives but through her own life and each and every moment my dad’s Heart cried out again and it was again answered in full.
Moments like these we, without even trying, Break Open our own Hearts and well, We Pour. We FEEL and We Pain and We Ache and we call out and Fall to our knees and Pray and while not every Prayer is answered in the way that we would hope, It Is Heard and IS Answered but only in the way of Purpose that we may see along the further footing of our path or at what is called here, Our end.
My Heart only breaks as there is always possibility of loss and such here but I know and Trust that again, here is not Home so we all go sometime in some way.
Family is such a Beautiful part of this world but it is very flawed and chipped and scratched and torn as well, that truly is the Beauty of it.
Despite all the pieces that fall and get thrown from here to there, family is something that remains a Strumming inside of us that honestly never leaves us, no matter the circumstances we have lived, no matter the changes, nor the distance that may exists in any way.
I understand ,amy have a difference of opinion on such and have had very bad familial experiences but in my own head, all is teaching for us to Open and Pour more. Family is family no matter and it is our job to make peace with such. I have witnessed even adoptive kids being raised by another from a very young age to not even truly knowing their bilogicaql parents to their whole life shifting and turning once a bilogical parent dies though they never had what many would say a real connection but again, that womb is powerful in so many ways and that moment inside the womb, remains for the life of us.
Just as His Love, Father God and His Love remains a part of our calling to and searching for all this dark world through, whether we know it or not.
There is a love in us as I always say that runs so deep even we could not fathom the entirety of it as again Love is of God and despite all one may think they know, The Lord truly sparks in us question after question and Prayer after Prayer to Feel and Know and See Him though such is a test of our Faith, Our Ability to Love, and our Desire and Focus of HOME. We Truly Open the Door by Believing HIM on IN as we Remember.
We came from the Greatest Love and we had been in part shared with what is of this world, as 1. to Return to Him in a process of coming to Asking, Seeking, and Finding Him and 2. To Pour all that we have of our own Light out into the dark and in turn REMIND those who walk here of where we truly came from and of what Home truly IS…To Remind All of His Love and Promise for each of us when we Open that Door.
I AM not done, I want to yell out, as I have finally came to that place where I AM ready to Be again with my parents and my siblings and start new with them again, but of course, the timing nor the plan is of my own choosing. Of course, my path took me 20 years to come to this moment, but again, for a purpose I one day will learn to know, I AM here and my parents are states away and my siblings and I are as we are.
I sound ridiculous I know. Yet, I Believe that many can relate as well, I honestly Believe that majority out there just walk their paths with every attempt to paint a new face. It is hard to be real and own our pain and display who We Truly Are in any way as this world is disgusted by those who step out from the dust…by those who expose what ails the majority of us without even one admitting such.
This world is disgusted by those who in many ways act as a mirror to all that another Feels in their aching and their sorrow and pain. This world seeks and only thrives when it can make you Believe that you are alone, that there is no one LISTENING to your calls or your Prayers, and that there is no Greater Good to come.
Truly this world’s greatest fear is for us all to remember as at that moment, Heaven will no longer be separate from where we currently stand.
Bury it! Just bury it, and numb it away or Feed this adrenaline and bring me to a high where I no longer FEEL this world and Imagine all as my lullaby…this, the desires of so many when…
in fact the key
that one key
in their pocket all along
written and locked within each throbbing beat
and the never-ending song
each breath that finds its way on in
all that is again released to the world
the key that only He gave us access to
in the moment we Seek to Find
and we Remember
all the LOVE that IS Present
Well, I AM tired. Not sure if I completed my thoughts but just wanted to give this Breath a space to rest and Be Drenched in Light to Dance as I Send My Prayers on High to the LORD tonight which will remain private.
May you be brave enough to finally open your eyes to the fullness of all that is bright.