Enjoy the following mess.
Here It Is
this Piece Of Me
that Arises in Moments
I Wish It Not To
I most need it Not To
Between Rhythms of Beats
Leads to Long Pauses
I AM Able to Fully Breathe
Grasp and Hold
Here I AM, returning to Pray as I AM readying to call my parents as they prepare for my dad’s Heart procedure again, early tomorrow.
Yes, I have (since injury) had trouble making phone calls and FEELING that relaxation when I Breathe when I AM to reach on out from my space and continue to Dress in Calm and continue to savor Breath and Breathe. I think I want to control the whole object creating a stir and well, I, again, must find that place to surrender.
To Stand Strong for another, to be of Comfort to another in the midst of what can be Pain or Fear and yes, potential loss. My dad says he is not afraid as it has become routine honestly, but I AM sure he is standing strong for my mom as he always has (despite this being as he knows, a big procedure being in relation to his heart). The 1st without all of us being present as well. At least most of us anyways as will be just my mom and dad till he is wheeled on back.
Since the mountains are starting to be layered up in snow and I in no way trust myself to drive in such conditions, I shall remain here and do what I can and do best which is Pray and hold that Love in My Heart for both my mom and my dad.
So…outside my flow throughout my day, I start again here…
Father, I ask that you bring this world to a stand still. A moment in time that we all are freed at once of the evil that has remained so persistent in our lives, for a river by your hand to come on through and cleanse all that is of this worldly land. So many of us have not lived up to your simple requests of us and we no longer can use that “we are just human” as an excuse, I know but as for me, I Seek your return Jesus and I await God’s very promise to have to no longer suffer the loss of those we love nor endure the pain that overwhelms the paths we are set to walk.
There is Great Love My LORD, and I see it and I feel it and I know it runs through the Life that is the majority of us, but more-so abundant for those Seeking to not only hear but see and Know You. Despite so many having been caught off guard and swayed, I trust that many of us are finding our footing and the smoothest path of Your Way as We, all the more, are turning to Your Light and Waiting for Heaven to Truly Arrive.
I ask of you as Only You have what it takes, and Only You have the ability in being the One God, the ONLY God, the most magnificent and powerful, the most loving and merciful. I call to you not only My Father, but too My Friend, My Closest and Greatest Companion who has walked every step with me, felt every pain I have had, heard every silent stare and lifeless whisper I have murmured just as much wiped every tear I have cried, Inspired more the very Smiles that have been me in this life as you granted me continuation of this path despite my continuous way of failing and stumbling still to shadows hand.
It was because if you having heard and listened closely to not only what became my sickness long ago but too separating out my Beats placed by you, that You Recognized Me and You offered me your hand. I only know that you know in its purest form, this Heart of Mine and all it holds. You Know My Spirit and you know all that is My Spirit is never apart from that which is Your Breath, that which is being your child.
The more I Focus Home, the more I Call To You and Embrace Your Light, the more I see the waves crash in that represent the Blessings of such, Your Answers to My Prayers. The more I see my kids smile and I FEEL a lightness all around us that brings about only positive and Loving sound, I know that You are working in our favor always.
I call to You Father, me, imperfect me, in all the ways that I Be with Little to show and little to give besides this Heart in me that Beats and remains centered on you, despite all this pull from what is worldly hands and stresses, I only Feel pulled closer to you. I Call for and continue to Receive the rhythmic patterns that strum out a song of not only Praise for your very existence and all you have given and continue to give, but too, rejoice in all the days you have bestowed upon me as I AM Blessed to experience it all.
Despite all the hardships, despite all the pain and the agony, despite all the moments I was faced with what I believed as an absence of Light and swallowed by all that was dark, I AM grateful to Be Alive (even in a time that for so many is of the unknown) and Share in all that is of this Creation, to continue holding my arms wide open and welcoming in even more life and further Bliss, to Feel Your Presence nearest me and to Feel ever-the-spark of inspiration Rise up in me.
Because I Found You, I hold no bitterness to all I have shared my life with, as all have been an asset from which I learned even more and found my way Deeper towards YOU. No days, nor moments, nor smiles, nor even tears have been wasted all these years as I not only found you, I found me too.
Though many days have seemed very deeply within that very valley of death, depleted and covered in all that is dark and of terror, loss, and trials after trial that have almost led me to having been insane, I Now Know and I Remember very clearly all the days and moments that you stood before me as I walked (even crawled) and even at the times I fell, to grant me, not only passage way but to protect me in times of what became my absolute vulnerability.
Was it free of pain at any of these moments? No. How could it be when I was called to Feel? Yet, you sparked in me that hint of reminder that You were Near and Ready for me to take hold of your hand when I was ready. You reminded me and kept reminding me of the strength that I have through you and I remain thankful for how you opened my eyes.
I have not only lived my own miracles from which you laid your hands upon my own life but I have seen vividly the miracles that you have laid upon the rest of my family even when we have continued to falter and shift our gaze away from you as the pain and too the fear, was all too overwhelming as the sickness of this world can truly break any that turns their back on that which is Your Grace.
We all are to tumble and stumble and fall but with you, their is a great balance that is brought and our gait steadies.
I AM Thankful NOW as I hold no time too long to all that is of ill and anguish as I learned, more-so remembered, that the more I Keep You Close and Keep My Eyes a Gaze Upon You, the more my world (even in the depths of what can be hell at times and aphotic), that if only I Gaze and hold strong my Belief, Your Light, I Will Allow In and Come To See as you bring all to being known and yes, clean, just as my favorite scent, Vanilla. Ha! All makes sense there now.
I know that I can create for no other, and my Power in Creation for my own is only through My Ability to Believe and Allow all that IS YOU. You know my best and you see the whole path to my only wanting what I want, so I Await on You and Holding to Belief that all is for my Greater Good Delivered By One and Only, YOU and I know you never falter.
Surrender, I Now understand, better yet, Remember Again. To Surrender, to truly surrender, is to Give It All To You. This battle nor any other here is of my own, (though I may have to walk through the storms of them all) as all that I AM up against (as is the rest of those existent for a time in this world) NOTHING has any such power over me that I do not allow, as well… I HAVE YOU.
I Dreamed My LORD, that I would have held strong to my early knowing all those 20 years ago, my Remembering again to Your Truth and all that You Are, just as who I truly can be when Allowing You In. If only I would have remained so strong that I would have never allowed any other to disrupt my path, another to plant seeds in me of doubt, another to shed their own insecurity and fears into me though I know all served a purpose for where I AM now, for who I AM Now. I AM Blessed that those seeds were never able to grow and that you extinguished them all, as I began to more and more Look To You, Rid My Fear, and Begin Fearlessly Again.
My dad is up again to a curve in his path as you know (seems he is consistently having to Embrace Being Fearless), as is my mom. Again my parents are being tested as per their faith and as to the strength that remains as-so the Love.
Imperfect my parents have been just as I, and yes, fear has gripped them these past few years in ways that no other has been able to sever. With all they have already been through, dark’s game truly spun them for a number as the roller coaster they had already been riding for much of their life threw in some more loops. I tried to remind them and plant those seeds My LORD, to remind them of your protection again and again but I AM not sure I was successful.
…and now continuing the day after as I think I fell asleep or something as thought was not continued it appears. 😉 Luckily this page remained open so I can start again to finish.
I spoke to my parents last night as they prepared for rest. I then went to bed myself about an hour or so later I suppose (can’t really recall as did not even finish my writing) and awoke around 4:30 A.M with an intense pain in my right wrist that would not let up for a few minutes. I connected it to the procedure my dad had today which was his typical anigiogram but this time (for his 1st time) it was through his wrist that the camera would be inserted and making its way to his heart. Despite what people Believe or not, I think that me Feeling such was me connecting to my dad in some way. It has happened many times throughout the years with others as well.
Now, early this morning I awoke aburptly about a few minutes prior to my mom calling me to update me after my dad was all hooked up and ready to go at procedure time. My mom let me know that this morning remained clear of snowfall abd that only a light layer rested on the roads for travel so was free and clear for the most part. When my mom let me know of this, I linked it to that my Dad was to be ok and that his procedure was to run smooth and clear. This is in sync with the day of his procedure being on the 8th which is My # of course due to my birthdate.
“Number 8 also (in the Bible) represents a new beginning, meaning a new order or creation, and man’s true ‘born again’ event when he is resurrected from the dead into eternal life. Number 8 symbolizes circumcision of the heart through Christ and the receiving of the Holy Spirit(Romans 2:28-29, Colossians 2:11-13).”
Eight is also the number of Jesus, whose name in the Greek adds up to 888.
Now…my dad had his 16th stent placed today. The number 16 in the Bible is symbolic of love and loving. The duality of true love is represented by 8+8=16.
Among the many times the number 16 is represented in His Word, the 16th time “love” is used in 1 John it says, “There is no fear in love…” (1 John 4:18)
So…although my dad has never really spoken much about ‘Deep” things in life, I take that he has been very much like I was and feared all things related to Love and his maker. It makes perfect sense with all the trauma he had to live during his youth, but again, as is for each of us, our path Opens us to the places from which we can learn and turn to Embrace that which Is Truth, that which is Love, that which is the LORD.
My dad, like me, just as very much like yourself, is imperfect and while he remains pretty silent about his personal expperiences in going through all of these procedures (still cannot fathom how one can handle being mostly awake for such a thing and not freaking out…now that is ultimate surrender in itself), I have seen his Faith in the LORD displayed in other ways outside his voice and honestly, to witness any other go through such that are trials like such, there is much to learn if we do look and listen. Surrender is the key.
I AM Thankful, yes, but again, I do have a very different understanding on all that is death and well, this life in general. With the way the world is right now many I AM sure would very much prefer to step on out, just as one indivdual who literally commited suicide from a local water tower at the height of the past few years, one of many in various ways.
These times are not easy for any of us but the way to Endure and make it through as whole as we possibly can is to hold strong to Love and yes, Focus on The LORD as HE is the only way.
Focused on and holding onto LOVE is not a fairytale nor a delusion nor is it an illusion. Love offers no lie as in its purest form, it is the breath of Truth, the breath of Life itself. Truly Love is the greatest gift that we have been given and it is what I found as key to walking this path with a destination in part of coming to be Eternally Free.
Specks of Light We Be,