Outside looks dreary, with rain showers and flooding that sweeps the hills and all the land. The sky of desolute hue and flocks of black birds scurrying accross the sky just to make it to shelter in time.
I drove my car today as I did not realize the downpouring that would ensue. The roadways were soaked and the farms all flooded with many areas of roads almost completely washed out by the continuous fall.
I woke with this urge to take myself to breakfast. Back to dating myself again.lol
Of course, I chose a day during the weekend of expected consistent 100% rain to Feel such, just as I had bought my kids and their cousins tickets to Boomers this Sunday though (if the forecast sticks) is supposed to be rain free. We shall see.
As I have said, I have always loved the presence of rain…forever I shall be a part of I decklare time after time.
I have always felt a calm rush on over me and as if flowing through my veins, a wave of Pure Love fill me. Todays drive I felt much of the same and with my fingers having rubbed across my cross necklace which hangs in my car, I thanked Jesus again and I prayed for the blessing that is this downpour and His hand that would take me from home to where I needed to be and back again without any trouble and He proved His Presence in my life again.
Now…tomorrow when I have to drive over an hour to and from my destination with my kids on the return portion, I pray that His hand guides me once again…but I have no weariness so I know that all will be just fine.
It actually became kind of scary at some parts of my trip today but again, this now changed mind, never let such thoughts remain. We all should think in similar ways, as we are here in this NOW and there is a reason, a great reason for this…we are to Find HIM and to find TRUST in all that HE can do for us…whether we remain here or not.
This is why, as the rain poured today and all the recent past, I did not get all worked up about being on this hillside in fear of this complex sliding on down (the thought did appear, lol) and that my bedroom/kitchen wall could break and allow the flood to enter as the same had happened to my old 4-plex I lived in about 7 years ago. No fun, but as I see all that has been my life, I AM to, with full force, in full TRUST, Lean on the LORD and know that He will get me through unscathed.
I also left on my hour away trip today and halfway realized that I left the wall heater on which panicked me for a about a minute and then I just said had to say f* it as I was not turning back. Ha! If it all goes up in flames, then we start again…that is all we can do. Although I was having a hard time as the cats were home.
Anyways, all was still standing as before when I returned and the roadways were mostly clear. The part I AM most thankful on is that no other really followed me on the way back which definitely helped ease anxieties…until of course, I had that thought as to why maybe no other was heading up the hill as I was. 😉
I truly Believe that in part, me being a mom during these times is what is helping me best as I can be an overthinker. I AM so distracted the majority of the time with just my duties here at home with my kids that I have not much else room to worry about anything else. Of course, this past injury has helped much as well, no place to hold much worry when God is in rules what this mind holds now.
This again, is the joy and the blessing of writing for me as I come to find and know more all that I AM Blessed with and how I may be able to help others as well.
What I write or Feel Pulled towards writing, I, in that moment, CREATE and that beating of my heart spreads like wildfire across the bounds known as this world with the help of God’s hand.
I watch videos of others testifying and sharing His Word and I want to FEEL Small and that I AM not doing enough nor the right things for Him. I want to compare my ability to write to those who truly exceed me in every way, and I AM brought back again to just turn my music on and pull this pen out again. I AM called to write and in no way hesitate as in ignoring Him, I will only be led astray again.
There is so much…SO MUCH that I wish I had done differently all along this path of healing, all Within each and every day that I have shared with my kids and each and every person I had shared any moment with. I had wished that I had been able to HEAL faster and in such a way that no other was hurt nor felt left behind or ignored or neglected by what had been my spacey and at times very sensitive mind. I had wished too that I would be able to find a way to go back and right all of my wrongs though NOW I know that I cannot and that I Truly do not need to.
I AM reminded again as to the gift that this moment for me has been and continues to be. I AM reminded that I was given a chance to make the path before me right in the ways that I could no matter what I was presented and no matter what I had to endure, and no matter who would ever be nearest my side or furtherst.
I had feared losing all before and it was only through the continuous falling away that I learned of God’s continuous presence near me and His hand in my own. It was the continous falling away that cleared the way for His Light to come on through and Allow me to be led in such a way that (despite all the crap I lived for many years since) protected me and my kids as well.
I AM just FEELING all the more walls having come down in me today, in this moment. I AM Feeling all the more FREE in Being in this HERE and NOW and that TRULY…all is Well and is going to be ok.
It has not been easy, my kids had lived through a lot in having a mom that has been in the process of healing for all of their lives. I cannot recall much of their earlier years which pains me, but again, I come to see more and more the comforts that they had found in being with me so I will push on and continue doing the best I can for them.
You find something outside yourself to endure successfully this life. This life is not without pain nor loss nor is it going to offer you all you could ever dream without anything in return from you.
In finding something…someone outside of yourself that you FEEL a deeper purpose in living, you find the best that is you. This can and in many ways should be God alone, but while we are here, we are served a multiude of people that can aid our path…both good and bad.
I spoke to my local postal lady the day prior to Christmas and she mentioned that she had no family as those closest to her had past on such as both parents and her siblings. They used to have large family gatherings during the holidays and it was never about the gifts but just the love that was shared…now she has struggled to even like this season at all. In her words, she “hates Christmas.”
And…I get it, I do but just as she had…we find something that helps us to LIVE while we are here enduring all that we are up to endure and she has come to find that during Christmas she receives and responds to Santa letters for the kids and that in part, has given her some different sense of peace during this time of the year.
To think too that she works at the USPS and during Christmas, you are just flooded with people coming in and out and sending their Christmas packages and cards and also saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you repeatedly.
Despite all, You keep seeing smiling faces and also those who are stressed abou the rush of the season and it is up to you to greet them with a smile and help them through their moment for the season all the while, you cannot handle the upsoming day at all in your own world. That to me was strength as until the moment she opened to me (as most do) I had no clue that she was dealing with such as she was always smiling and laughing and cheery.
Holding the weight of the world and never allowing it to break us is what she was doing and so I was glad that she opened to me and shared her struggle with me as I was able to offer her my Heart, My Love, and My Understanding thorugh my Empathy for her. I was able to LISTEN to Her and give her that moment that I do Believe, God intended for her to have and with me listening and being who I was for that moment, she was able to POUR and Be Received.
Besides being the best mom I can be for my kids, the most I want out of this life is not so much for myself but to be as such for others and for many years, I shut myself off to being such due to what had been intense healing and conintuing struggle. This time in the world is said to get worse so we shall see, but the more we POUR and the more we allow ourselves to stand in a place to RECEIVE…all the more better this coming year shall be…no matter, as we Forever Rest In HIS hands.
2023 shall be a year of further awakening for us all. It shall be a year that LOVE swells up so full that it pours over on throughout all that is the lands, washing out all that is in any way opposite of such. We will come to that place that we finally and truly realize the worth that we each hold and all the joys that we are beyond worthy of.
We shall come to a place that we no longer are fooled by the deceptions of what has been the lower darkness and we will gain confidence in sharing not only our voice but also the Beauty that exists Within all that We Are.
We are to BREAK Open this world in such a world that it shall only be flooded IN LIGHT with all else exposed and flushed on out to never return again.
I Believe. I DO.
With Love, always near and always listening,
PS. IF any of you wish to dig deeper into what may be the times in this world, I suggest looking into Redacted which is on youtube. On top of that also keep your heart syncing in beats and rising by KEEPING God close and diving deeper into His Word. LISTEN and you will be led to CREATE as well in some way from the deep well of creative spirit that lingers in you. To be seen, to be heard, to be understood…one must first come to LISTEN and TRULY HEAR and in that Understand…Find Wisdom which is found In HIS WORD when we SEEK and ASK HIM and you will too will come to Peace no matter how desolate the skies turn.
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