There is a flow in me that never stops, it comes rushing in and it gushes over to pour.
Here, I AM, again… attempt # (cannot even recall the number actually) to just sit and write and gather together all that flows as magic in me for a moment and well, POUR.
I have written some during my time away from this realm of web but none to my liking enough that I would even arrive at any completion, nor ever penned the final thought as I would deter the flow and sever it bringing it to a filthy end.
Truly it became a filth that in me grew as you cut that off that flow in you that IS supposed to come to life, you are going to only feed more of what brings you to a full stop in some way.
So, Filthy? Not so much, I suppose, but for my own self stopping any movement in me that could bring Light on through, is something that is just not acceptable, but again, this is life, and not all our steps are planned in the most perfect way nor in ways that we, in every moment cooperate in full agreement with.
Life hits hard and all we can do is Rise up that much taller to try an intimidate or Hit Harder altogether. Sometimes the hardest hits come from the softest of thoughts, the softest of beats, the silence in a moment of all that IS.
I have had a month that has been quite the raging river Within Me it seems. I, again, had not noticed this many days had passed since I shared, but all comes in Perfect Time, I Believe this in every way as truly it is all God’s Timing.
This month hit me hard with realities of where my lil family Truly Is, with the so-called realities of where my parents are and too, the world. I was hit with the reality again that I Am such a joke writing here and ever-so-often adding in words that proclaim that can, in any way, be inspiring and help others…when, in fact, I struggle almost daily still and my lil family is far from what the world would call “picture perfect.”
You must know though that I AM not seeking any kind of image here. I AM just Me as I have always been and I AM just here taking this outlet of mine, at times, for a spin.
I share here, as I said before, to quite possibly help another, but in truth, to help myself. I write as in the ways I can, even Ren that I had quoted prior said, “”When I write, I belong.”
Belong to the world? No. Belong to a certain group, belong in a way that I AM accepted in any way by, again, the world? NO.
Belong means to me, that I Feel the resistance of this body die out and release to housing me and all that is my soul. Belong is to (for me, anyways) is to have the way in which that certain war that can rise Within us is brought to a standstill, a shift, a silence, a withdrawal altogether.
This month, in the ways that it has, has been a certain war for me (anothet trial to push through and Rise Again from)…one that was housed Within my body, and the other Within my own household. War may be a heavy word compared to what I experienced this month but it works for me here, in this moment, as I write, so going with it.
I have noticed that the more I Feel my body resist and not cooperate always with me or the moments I Feel a certain depression sideswipe me, my kids reflect back to me very strongly no matter how much I seem to try to be kind and loving.
This is why burying our crap does not work as something or someone will bring it out to you in full force to face in some way.
This is how darkness works though. Satan’s fools will use any and every person around you that can be used against you. The dark and all that is of its minions can, in no way, create anything new, so all that can be done is temptation, confusion and condemnation of all souls that exists here in this earthly realm. The war continues my friends.
It becomes quite apparrent when one goes through a hardship of sorts and what begins is a downward spiral with no way to gain our footing again on what appears only ledges. In one’s moment of weakness, one’s moment of being chipped away at, or even broken, one becomes more vulnerable to be taken for what is the fool and in many ways is played in full as.
When the weight of the world Feels pressed upon your shoulders and the pressure keeps growing (that pressure is of the mind, of the dark and the bag of tricks) we are to look outside what is this so-called world and call out for God…no other..not any damn other! In doing so, not just once, but continuing to do-so, (why a prayerful life is so important) the pressure will let up and relief in some way can and will be found.
I wil admit that I have been a lil down and out this past month (moving on from the holiday pull I suppose) what had been my failed fasting attempts as well and for the past week, I being resistant to reaching out to and connecting with God in much of any way. I wanted to be a lil upset as well, my lil family had some struggles here at home, and I was just not having it as I was knocked down and well, had to be awakened again to what I was avoiding which was the LORD.
I have suffered tremendously during a lot of the days of my life, so how is it fair that I suffer even more, especially, my children who came here innocent? How is this right at all I peaded to know and again, I was shown my answer in the most abrupt way, thankfully without hospitalization this time. Ha!
I AM to NOT get caught up in the ways of this world. I AM NOT to get swept up in the dark rivers that rush on over me and through me, I AM to call on Him to take it all for me, to gather up all that are my storms and bring them to a serene calm, chaotic heart beats and all.
I AM to look upon and enjoy the works of others but too know that I have my own voice for my own path gained from Him for my own way so I AM right where I need to be and not get pulled back in any way at all by looking back on my own path to question each and every step I have taken.
I AM not to look into the eyes of any other and Believe what I AM seeing at any moment the ocean waves are rising fierce. I AM to lull my Heart to softness, I AM to take all that IS the Love in me and Bleed Out A Symphony, all the while, knowing…yes, knowing, that My God hears me and is standing right up next to me and walk on through.
We are to walk on through it all. We were never promised a garden of roses (as my mom likes to say) nor were we ever told that this world would be without pain. How is it to live if we do not break in some way? I see it and I have lived it, the best of the best, the most intricate of creation, the most perfect of messages come Pouring out from the most broken parts that we seek to only seal up and repair in some way.
There is a reason they are there that is beyond our understanding and hiding all away will only be of detriment to what is to be our own path.
We know of no Light until we very clearly know and have lived through the extreme depths that is pain and of the dark. I truly enjoy talking with others who can go deep and Pour as I Love such Truth and in those moments, I Feel the same from the other as well. We know not God’s hand upon us until we have felt the paralyzing grasp of who truly is lucifer.
Balance again, my friend. Yin and yang, whatever you wish to call it. There will never be one without the other until we step foot beyond those gates, if we do and that choice comes back to you making to right your life and walk the walk. There first has to be a wanting and a knowing and a realizing that we will fight the good fight and we will win as we are a part of God’s army…never any other.
Neither of us is one without the other.
We rage on in this world about war started after war ( except for the latest which is ridiculous to me) when this war for our souls has only remained a lasting war, for the life of us war, though sometimes subtle and not so much out in front scene. It remains mostly unknown, as we all, as humans, have a tendency to want to hide and cover up all that is of our suffering. We think that we look weak or that we will lose in some sort of way the life that we hope we can take hold of. We worry that we will lose friends and family if we do not stand strong and well, hold the only face that brings a comfort to them too.
Coming from one who had lost it all, when there is nothing else to lose, you expose it all and in return, you become fulfilled in the ways of having again.
We, as humans, broken and little and yes, impure humans, have taken on the weight that is this world and neglected what truly matters and that is Being Real. In being real with all that is of this world, with seeing through all the deception and lies that is the trickery of this world, we come to a new state of being and that is one Fully Connected to and Seeking all the more that of and IS Christ and realizing His sacrifice for all of us and what it truly meant and also HIS message to us all in our own ability to look past this world and all it can be and rise again and again through God, the Heavenly Father.
You never truly Believe it until you start to drown, until you start to ache consistently and Feel life slipping away. You never Believe until most all of breaks away and reveals he one part that is left which is always HIM. One does not realize it until they have lost everything in some way and there is no other chatter filling up the mind to distract and turn one away.
There is found SILENCE and there IS LOVE and there IS GOD.
So, I went from the holiday lame Feels to the Screamo or maybe hardcore (not sure on style of music actually, lol…I AM so out of that loop) on into watching videos of homeless people being helped even in small ways. I have watched people going through hurricanes and tornados and losing what Feels all only to turn around and rebuild.
I remembered myself asking how foolish those people could be to build again in the same spot that threatened and took all they had and I came to realize that the truth is their own Love, their own Belief in some way in God, and their own bravery and resilience.
They rebuild because they can.They start again because they can.
It may appear that all was lost in so many ways but never is it truly. As long as we have Love, as long as we have our focus from Our Hearts upon the LORD, all is truly ok and all is not lost nor can it ever be if we hold Faith, Belief.
Nothing has ever been fully lost as again, this has been a war that we have endured for ages. It never stopped and we are just walking our steps right on through it and many without even realizing that we are in the deep of it. You get knocked down, you get back up, such is the resilience that is of His LIGHT and too, from Him, human life.
We are not weak, and we are not broken (as it is deemed in this reality) in any way. It was all meant to be this way in so many ways, it had to be and shall continue to be until we all come to knowing and understanding and Being Willing to Truly Walk.
I AM sure many have lived devastating losses and hardships and would question as to how their pain is right, how their pain is right in any way and all I can say is that it was never about just us as an indivudual at all. There is a greater goal, a deeper mission that is taking place here and we are just a small piece in it all. Though, we are a very important and most useful piece in the whole strategy, we are only one small but infinite piece.
I know, for one, that I want to do what I can and what is right here in my moment, not just for my kids and myself, but too, for what is the plan to bring to Heaven to earth. I have been rather upset with myself for having allowed myself to struggle as I had for so long unstead of pushing forward with His Light as I could have all along.
It sucks, it has big time for a long while and many placemarkers in my life…(both lives, lol) but I AM Here and I AM Ready as this polishing process is insane! 😉
I write, not to gain friends or a following as I want none of that outside what is open and honest to bleed as well. Yes, that sounds dark, but we all are cut, severed, and damaged in some way, and we all bleed oftentimes to a point that the flow will not stop.
We all have to want to be better and of our best I Believe, so walk that path and do not bend as we all can do-so.
If I learned anything with my death experience is that we are never as broken as we think, as there is so much more that can beat us down and break us here. We are never as low and without as we take on and Believe as we are never without Love, Light, and His LOVE. Nor, do I Believe we ever really lose any other not even through what is deemed death.
We are always able to blast through our paths no matter how they are laid out, we are always able to take on and stand face to face with whatever darkness sends our way as we have every ability to never be fooled by such that is trickery as We Feel the pureness that is God nearest us, and God’s Breath in us always.
Well, I will say I Feel much better now, so I hope you may as well.
I write as what I write in its own way, becomes, the bleesing that pours that in turn becomes something greater, something so much more on through the LIGHT that God shines upon the flow. Ever-Flowing-Love-Creation. Ever-Flowing-Life-Through-HIM…Realization.
If you are not Seeing God, you are not looking. If you are not Hearing God, you are not listening. If you are not Feeling God…You have closed the door.
Seek Him, Listen to Him, remove the damn barricade from the door and let Him on in.
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