I sit here spinning all, as the world stands still. I can see myself falling from stories high again and again yet, this time, I go from God’s hand on into petal bloom and my feet remain rested as I walk, start again, beneath fulling moons.
With the moon arisen and splendor its brightness shone upon me causing me to inhale all on in and all that was Beauty overflowed from me. The overflow is such that is not so much softness but the rough patches all along my way, the loss of life, the dust of what once was rotten decay, the smiles that only grew hesistant and appeared to fade.
Love spun and shone, the tender harmonies that echo across all of my bones, the wetness that protrudes from the hollows of me to melt as if the sun had heated all of me beyond the days of winter that seemed to had washed over me all too long. Yet, it was in the winter that I first came across the miracle called God as He took my hands and laid me down, snow angel sound…I began to sway my body and unfold as Light stripped me layer by layer of anything less than tranquil and serenity.
“Wash away, wash away”, the words sung towards me in a way that Spirits surrounded me, watching me POUR all that this world had attempted to make me, all the bitter and unsettling days were to be no more.
I laid and I laid, and all the more Light penetrated my every wound, bringing it supple, bringing it to fully restored and full. My wounds arose only once and then silently with a sigh, they softened like the ebbs of my Heart, never again showing a trace that was in any way to define or tell stories of a broken life, a once lost soul.
Melodies of all sorts became very pronouned the more I held my eyes open despite the lulling that was pronounced. To sleep I yearned so deeply for, yet, this time, I told my dreams and what may to wait as I was in this moment taking the fullness of what life is meant to be…FULL BLOOM.
Another day another moment in time of Being, another opportunity to Breathe all the more Deeper and PONDER all that this means for not only me but you.
So, from here, I WILL Pray and I begin: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
Nothing in my hands I bring, only to the cross of Christ I cling. Amen.
Now, after my downtime the past few days, my moments of focused prayer, my moments of truly wrestling with God, I have come to this day all the more uplifted and Blessed with Open Eyes that only the LORD could provide.
I AM not without anything in my life, there is no purpose for me to yearn for or even question the past I have lived nor the so-called absences that remain in my life. All as such, have served my path and continue to as I walk all the more towards God.
I now understand that while I have been deemed a runner of sorts most all of my past life, I may be but in a way that no other claimed of me prior and that is that I may had been running but I was never running away from anything, I was running towards God. When I was called to move, I did and sometimes I may have hesitated for what seemed like too long in doing-so, but again, God makes all our paths right the moment that we turn towards and call upon Him.
We are not to walk paths that are gleaming and overflowing with LIGHT, we are to walk paths that often linger in the depths of all darkness as we are to find our way out. It is in the dark that we learn to either Trust in our own footing or much rather, call upon the LORD for His help, for His guidance in taking our hands and leading our way.
All in all, we are to keep walking and hold close to that which is Our Faith as that is how we find our way and that is how we come to find Him.
It has broken me to pieces for far too long thinking I had done so many things in my life, that I had not held the course of Love nor even gave my all to bring up my kids in the ways that He called me to. I have worried that my changes were far too much for all those who were close to me in any way and that those who came to know me after just could not handle the depths that poured that was me.
No shame now, None.
I AM simply me and I AM far from perfect as we all are. I AM a sinner as we all are and the past few weeks I have been beating myself up in my attempts to gain that level of perfection, that level of sinless existence but again I AM reminded that such is truly an impossible task for us in this shell of human form, for that is just what we are, the gentiles. We are all walking the paths before us to break our hearts and shed the impurity that is a part of us as much as we can.
I came to what I Believe very much as more knowledge listening to Paul Washer preach and wow, this man is full of the Holy Spirit for sure and I just love listening to him express and Pour what God has filled him with.
In listening more to him, I AM coming deeper into knowledge and knowing the LORD, God, the Father, and Christ and I AM uplifted every moment I allow myself to LISTEN to what he is saying.
I have repeated here that I keep failing and well, we all do. This is expected as we are human but yes, we can all strive to do better. I was breaking down as I Believed that I was not doing enough and that I was not Listening as I should because I was not earning my place by doing the good works here in this realm but I now Believe and Know otherwise.
Yes, we are to strive for doing our best for the LORD always. We are to do good in this world as well and spread the good news as it is said and all that is HIS word. We are to go out and try to save as many souls as we possibly can it is said but then I came to recall the full meaning of what Christ gave for all of us and I returned to knowing that we are all Free from our sins when we accept Jesus into our hearts and KNOW Him as our savior.
We are, of course, to do as best as we can to walk our paths as close to what Christ would but again, when we look at the world and all the different people, we can only fathom that there will be many different purposes as well as outcomes and that not all are so-called destined to preach or even save another in the ways that some may feel they have to.
I have come to know that while I may Feel everything, it is truly in the moments of my being numb and cut off from it all that is part of me taking my cross up. It is in the silence that we most find God, it is in the stillness of it all that we come to know Him. It is in the moments that we learn to lay down and give up the fight with the world that we begin to wrestle only with God and breakthroughs start to happen as we learn what He wants from us.
Anything in this life can bring one to sickness and defeat but the same can come with even trying to move closer to God as many of us will begin to judge our own steps and time of travel and again our worth in it all. We will come to that place where we are to learn to shed all that we think we are and only come to KNOW HIM and this can be a very scary thing as in this world, we think we have to keep an eye on ourselves as we try to keep hold of control in some way but the key is letting go of full control…entirely, and giving it all up to the LORD…TRUSTING FULLY in what He has awaiting you no matter what ills and pains you have lived.
So…if we look at the past I lived, we see a girl who was what most would say was broken and lost, one who began urning towards and conjuring uo the dark in her life only to be led to a certain defeat but that is not so at all.
I Was a very lost girl but for some reason, something in me Believed tha the only way through and out of it all was by calling on God, Himself, to guide me, by shedding any Light onto the darkness of my world at that time. I called and I called, I prayed and I prayed…though in the most imperfect ways, and I WAS ANSWERED In Full though some would say that such was not, that I was just lucky or all was pure coincidence.
There Is NO coincidence in this life whatsoever. This is why I call myself out and notice I had been judgmental of my past and the relationships at times and even now with my neighbors. I own that I have been wrong as All Have Served a Purpose for my path in some way though not all was good and of happy and pure love, sometimes dark needs to POUR so we float our way or paddle our boat, our ship back towards the Good, the Love, God in Our Life.
My lil family remains imperfect in so many ways but this is the Beauty of My Family. The path that we have shared may have chipped away at us in such a way that some days not much is left of us at all, but all the more is OPEN in us for Light to penetrate and for Softness to flood out our wounds.
I AM never going to get it right and this is the part that I must accept. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me or any other but I Am thankful that I have been Blessed in the ways that I have been so at least there is that TRUST in me with God to make my path straight, to make it right and I do know HE Will.
You get the benefits of God when you Look to and Seek to Know Him. Your life remains empty and desolate when you disregard all that He can give and has awaiting for you. There is to be no Light when you insist on always turning away from any brightness that sparks up in your world, in your heart.
Such as I will admit I was I was wrong on the heart as well. I may have said so already before, but again…all comes to Seeking, KNOWING, and Trusting God entirely to lay our best path forward always and that in the end, we will be rewarded in the ways that He has promised.
So no…I AM in no way losing my mind nor lost it…maybe I already have? I AM walking my walk and I AM not afraid to POUR when I can and question everything always…even God and I notice Him all the more working Good in my life when I do question Him and yes, wrestle.
Some spaces are meant to be private and left sacred, so I will not share all I speak to My Father. We all have t o find that time and that space we give to Him and Him alone and we will begin to see the threads of our being as well as our paths and this life Beaming Evermore.
So, I Trust that God has a great plan for my life and a great use for the life that is me. I Trust too that I AM in a season as it is called to only Rise and Bloom all the more again soon.
I Pray that we all find that Love for and Trust in Him. That is the only way through and forward whether we walk with any other here or not.
All that is Good will come in time, just as what is right…we just have to Focus High and Trust that He is turning this tide.
PS. Today has been a very uplifted day and confirmation came in another way among many others by a man who commented on my smile and referred to me as capitivating him with beauty. This was after I had just picked on myself when looking in my car mirror as my face appeared all too red as I had been…yes, you guessed it, crying, but crying out for the LORD.
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